Dear Webmaster Zip:

This will serve as a reply to the "Dick Trouble" article served up by our noted Spirits Correspondent, Booze.  While rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated, I am certain that all of Hogdom has been anxiously awaiting Dick's First Hand account of the courageous battle against arterial blockage. As Booze so correctly pointed out, there was throbbing, and there was some agony, but there was no heartache and certainly no defeat. So much for the after effects, let me get into some true Health Watch Reportage about my heroic struggle and ultimate victory.

Spirits Correspondent
Correctly Reported Throbbing

It all started about 2 months ago.  During my daily exercise routine, (I'm sure all you Hogs can relate to daily exercise) I began to experience pain up the left side of my neck and into my jaw.  Not having the kind of medical background as say Dr. Dan, my initial inclination was that my jock strap was just a bit to tight, given the bulging manhood it housed.  This turned out to be an incorrect conclusion. While it was lack of circulation, it had a lot less to do with my manhood and a lot more to do with my cholesterol level.  In any case, this condition persisted and would go away only if I modified my running speed, slowing to a pace reminiscent of a Macos dash down the first base line.

Faster Than Dick

After a week or two of this I decided that self medication with mass quantities of Red Wine throughout the day simply was not doing the trick.  So I reluctantly relented and turned my temple of apparent health over to modern medical science.  For once this proved a wise choice.  After listening carefully to my symptoms for the 4 1/2 minutes allotted to Point of Service patients, my medico slapped me on a table where Nurse Diesel performed an EKG. Much to my surprise, it was abnormal and this precipitated a visit to the local ER where another abnormal reading was obtained.

Nurse Diesel

That resulted in Dick Being Whacked into the Cardiac Care Unit overnight for a night of fun being poked and prodded each time I was near sleep. The following day I was given a battery of tests and x-rays that showed a blockage in the artery that flows, or in my case dripped, into the front wall of the heart.  It was startling to learn that all my years of running, soft-balling, hard-balling and extraordinary beer consumption had not done a damn thing to prevent this. Even a pretty reasonable diet had not prevented FCBU (FUCKING CHOLESTEROL BUILD UP.)

             
                 Healthy Heart                                             Dick's FCBU Heart

A couple of days later, I was whisked into the Cardiac Catheterization Lab at Paoli Memorial, given enough Valium to make a Rhino, or even Zip as the case might be, happy.  I was then roto-rootered, i.e. received an angioplasty, and a complimentary drug-coated stint to keep the wall of the artery open for the next hundred years.  Once or twice during the procedure I lapsed into unconsciousness but fortunately I kept hearing Booze' voice telling me to "go towards the Light Beer".

Go Towards the Light

I am positive this is what pulled me through the hellish 40 minute ordeal. (Thank you Booze). While I may not have gone one-on-one with Dr. D ala Jammer, I can say that I arm wrestled the bastard and came out victorious.   

Within a week I was back to work, golf, sex, and drinking.  That is to say two of the four things that make my life the paradise that it is.

My only hope is that my personal tale of triumph over near tragedy will help all those Hogs out there who stuffed down two to three Pat's cheese steaks at the Phillies Opener this year. 

Hogs Heart-Healthy Diet

See you at the Hogs Open where I'll be signing copies of my upcoming Readers Digest inspirational article "How a Hard Dick Beat a Clogged Artery".


Hog Omnibus Report at LARGE
Dick (Give it Lick) DeCoux