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Golf Hogs,
Lastly, we are planning on
launching our two super secret weapons on those European scum. We
call it our "Shock and Awe" strategy.
As for the rest of you, we thought we could all heckle the Europeans
with a few whiff chants and throw a few beer cans at their ball just
as they are about to start their down swings.  I plan on playing with the Johnnie Walker Cup today at 5. Boozus
I figured I better get this out as the first response, so that no one’s hopes get too high too quickly, only to be unceremoniously dashed to the ground by late reports of my unavailability.
Dear All, It is with much regret that I must advise that, as a result of my stellar performances on the links (like that huh?)in The Netherlands during my twelve years there and in France, I will not be able to participate with the Hogs in the upcoming Walker Cup, since, just as I have been banned from joining your softball fiasco since my return, my performance in “the Game of Gentlemen” as well as in “America’s Pastime” warranted me being considered and treated as a professional there, contrary to the POS you treat me as here in the “Homeland”. Hence my allegiance to “The Mother Countries” Accordingly, I advise you to go play (with) yourselves! PS: I have reported your subversive actions to the appropriate authorities “across the pond”. The Frog / Hague / Texas Hog  Greetings
from the Fatherland. To date, my onsite investigations into
potential opponents have produced no solid results as I have
encountered nothing but problems. The French I contacted
weren't available because they were celebrating some surrender
in some war. They seem to have this type of celebration
frequently. The Italians were either throwing one government
out or installing another, not sure which one. The Germans were
all in some secret meetings talking about the Fourth Reich. I
didn't approach any of other countries thinking that they may
not have a lot to offer. (I use the word "countries" almost in
jest. It is used here to describe loosely organized political
associations that share common geographical boundaries.
Previously they were referred to as "tribes", now they are
called "countries".)
Although I have met a few
golfers, they have not been forthcoming with providing any type
of actionable intelligence. Plus, many of the golfers here, as
well as most other Europeans, are actively engaged in
constructing statues to President-elect Obama, as part of the
"we love Obama" movement that seems to be sweeping the
continent. When this current trend fades and when Europeans
return to more normal activities such as watching Al Jazeera or
rioting against totally unfair, capitalist inspired and worker
debiliating 35 hour work weeks, I may be able to gather better
information, which I will share immediately. In the meantime,
I'll wish you all Merry Christmas or Happy Hanukkah and Happy
New Year.
Binkhard Schroeder  Macos,The only thing I like better than playing golf is watching golf. Unfortunately I'm scheduled to get a haircut that weekend so I can't make it. Be sure to let me know when this cup thing comes to Meadowbrook. Pung  So I can wear my Red White and Blue knickers with my rainbow wig and a JOHN 3:14 tee-shirt? But isnt the idea to distract them ...shouldnt I wear something nauseating? I might consider going if we Money and I can fly up in our personal fuel guzzling jet (recently acquired from Chrysler)  I'm in, I'm packed, where do I send my money. Can I send cash?
I don't need a
reciept I'll meet you at the bottom of the driveway near
where the caddies hang out.
We will have
clubhouse passes I assume?
Hey,
Beta Theta,
What up?
Let ask you hogs one
question, IS GOLF A SPORT???
On my retort, to the
blabber of ,"the Airship Jones".
I think the methane in the septic systems that the fat man has to inspect as a "big time sanitarian", it that megalopolis called, "Vineland, NJ.", has dulled his brain! If anybody is driving anything it's old number 77! Shit!!, Jones hasn't seen his dick since 'nam !!
The man talks a good
game,... but to quote our immortal defensive line coach at
Drexel, Tony Dimeddio, (played in the first super bowl
for Hank Stram) "maybe it's better Jonesy is digging
potatoes,
'cause he couldn't play a dead Indian in a western movie, let alone play football!!!!
Ladies and gentleman,
of the jury, I rest my case!
Happy New year,
Franco
P.S. Hey Jonesy,
Ken Kotolick, says,
You couldn't have broken that seven man sled, all those
years ago,.................you could barely." break a
sweat" !!!!!!!!!
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Second, we
were hoping Eddie Money could work some magic with his asshole
neighbor-buddy, Doctor Wundy. If Wundy could take time out of his
busy schedule of increasing the rate of global warming and make the
trek up from Florida, we thought he could scare the bejesus out of
our opponents. One look at that freak of nature in his knickers and
hole-in-one cap should get us at least one or two points. 
Third,
Jimmy C has spoken with Vineland's favorite son, Dale "Too Fat"
Jones. The Large One has assured us that if we can get his
"cowardly bitch" college roommate Franco to show, he will ride him
around the course like Ned Beatty in Deliverance and have him squeal
like a pig on cue whenever the Europeans are putting. 
Shock
(Secret Weapon #1) - We felt a need to suck out the European's
energy early before they even hit the course. Get this! We plan on
sending our Hog Super Stratoforce F. Lee Saltzman in on a strafing
mission over the European's breakfast buffet line. With one pass,
he will leave them with nothing but a few crumbs. While they wait
for the staff to restock, we plan on having Larry parked in the
front of the line. He will be auto programmed to recant how Jimmy
screwed him out of a 400 yard drive in 2005 and then immediately go
into the retelling of his incredible 75-foot, lightning-fast,
down-hill, quadruple-break, birdie putt story from last
year's Myrtle Beach Ryder Cup. We believe that should send them
scattering to the practice tee numb and without nourishment.
Awe
(Secret Weapon #2) - This is where it starts to get pretty
nasty. What better way to screw-up those European bastards than to
infect them with one of their own. That's right! In what many Hog
golfers have called "The Canadian Weapon of Mass Distraction", we
plan on bringing Shane into play. As a non-American, we know this
quasi-European motor mouth could rattle Tiger Woods on a one inch
tap in. Dave V. assures us he can get him hooked up to a remote
controlled muzzle. All we have to do is let him roam around the
East Course and have Dave shadow him. Whenever they least expect
it, Dave will hit the control button and unleash Shane's mouth on
those poor unsuspecting pricks. They will never know what hit
them. We see it as the Hog equivalent of Thermonuclear Warfare. We
are confident Shane will have them muttering to themselves all the
way back to Europe,
"That asshole just wouldn't shut the
fuck up!" 
Dear
Macos (and other likely 2nd place finishers),
