I,
like many people of peace, hoped the new millennium would bring a new era of
decency toward our fellow man and faith in humanity. The Grand Opening of the Hog Rock Café was my personal
statement to reinvest in mankind and demonstrate my faith in humanity.
As this year comes to a close, the venom and hatred that has developed
since “The Belt” was removed from its place of honor leaves me distressed.
It has spilled over into slanderous articles, lawsuits, trials, appeals,
and a barrage of internet e-mails that would shame even the coldest heart.
How did we get here? I am sure there are plenty of fingers to point at many people including myself. With Christmas rapidly approaching, it is time to bring this to a close. There can be no winners when Hogs are assaulting Hogs. It is time to let the True Spirit of Christmas fill the air. Let me be the first to show my contrition by offering to apologize to the two people who I may have most offended and offer Respect and Gifts which are the Hallmarks of the True Spirit of Christmas.
Doc Quack
Doc Quack – You have called me many cruel names. The Anti-Christ, a microcephalic prosimian, Benedict Arnold, cirrhotic, and many more names that I have long since forgotten. Your words have hurt me, but I am willing to put that in the past. In the True Spirit of Christmas I wish to accept your words as constructive feedback. I will endeavor to learn from your rantings and strive to become a better person. I will assume your best intentions and take them in the spirit of the good will in which they were intended.
I could try to match those 10 cent words that you banter about with all the obtuse clarity of Dennis Miller, but I do not wish to accentuate the limits of your protozoan-leftist vocabulary. I could easily compare you to a verruca vulgaris on a furuncle. Similarly, one could argue that when you speak, the air is filled with your malodorous breath. I should thank you for being the toxoplasmosis in the society on which you thrive. But that would not be in the True Spirit of Christmas. It is in this spirit that I retract any comment about you that may have offended you or your family. In spite of the way you contracted gentile herpes while humping corpses in the Grandview morgue, you are a decent man with honor and talent who warrants my respect. If you weren’t such a dildo, you might even earn that respect.
Belt Thief Jammer – You have been accused of stealing “The Belt”, admitted to stealing the Millennium Edition Belt and have mocked the Hog judicial system with your bribes. The kidnapping, of which you are accused, has hurt me at a spiritual level. I have questioned how there could be a knowing and benevolent God who could allow such a heinous crime to go unpunished. In the True Spirit of Christmas, I wish I could take back some of the cruel comments I have made about you and your lawyer F. Lee Saltzman.
If keeping those Belts brings you some sense of purpose, consider them my Christmas gifts to you. I wish nothing but the best for you. I am considering this as a divine message that these Belts must serve a higher purpose. I am sure you will eventually burn in hell for your evil deeds. What little punishment I could inflict upon you will be more than compensated when you are engulfed in the eternal flames of damnation riding Beelzebub’s Baloney Pony as he slaps you across your fat ass with the Belts you have stolen. That thought has acted like a gift, which has kept me warm on these cold winter nights. In the True Spirit of Christmas, I thank you for the gift you have given me and, in the spirit of giving, I look forward to when you “get yours”!
Belt Thief Jammer
To paraphrase Tiny Tim,
Macos