Against a backdrop of all-time lows in accurate media reporting, Hog Rock News (HRN) had seemed to maintain a high standard for presenting news fairly, correctly, and completely.

Model of Good Journalism

The glaring omissions from the recently published review of my new book "The Da Binki Code" however places HRN into the same cesspool of journalistic fraud as the NY Times, CBS News, Dan Rather, and other so-called mass media outlets in respect to not providing the entire story.

Cesspool of Journalistic Fraud

I am compelled to make public the following facts that HRN evidently willfully omitted from their coverage of my latest novel.  Following the discussion of important facts overlooked by HRN, I offer a reason why these omissions may have been made.

Boozus, relegated to a seemingly minor role in the HRN book review, was in fact a towering figure in ancient times and was himself nearly crucified.  It was Boozus Chrust, not Jesus Christ, that turned the water into wine at the wedding festival in Canaa.

Boozus Chrust

The bridegroom in the forced marriage was from a little known sect called the Hoggites.  Researchers have only recently discovered the Hoggites and are learning more about their highly advanced metal working techniques.

The Hoggites

Based on findings in Hoggite tombs, it appears the Hoggites had invented tin foil as early as 100 BC. It is not clear what the Hoggites used the tin foil for, but every Hoggite tomb found to date has included a small piece of folded tin foil in the pocket of the deceased.  Also found in Hoggite tombs are references to the savior they were waiting for named "Bic".

Early Hoggite Invention

Boozus generally turned water into red wine, mostly big reds like cabernet and meritage with wine ratings in the mid-nineties.  Once, when visiting the Isle of Lesbos, he did produce some chardonnay.  A tribe known as the Phittsaars, well known to researchers because all the men looked alike, worshipped Boozus because he made some white zinfindel for them.

The Phittsaars

When word spread that a man could turn water into wine, Boozus' popularity, and following, increased dramatically.  Boozus' new found fame however came with a cost.  Powerful Roman interests headed by Dirtus, who owned the only wine shop on the road to Ephrata, became aware of Boozus, noted that free wine could cut into profit margins, and decided he needed to be eliminated, preferably by a very well attended public crucifixion where wine, from Dirtus' wine cellars, would be available for a price.

 
       Dirtus

At the time, Roman law did not specify turning water into wine, even chardonnay, as a crucifiable offense.  Dirtus and his henchmen needed a phony charge to accuse Boozus with.  They referred the matter to Zipemiah, a local familiar with the ways of the tribes, who harbored the secret desire to be a Roman so he could meet and party with Caligula.

Zipemiah

Zipemiah suggested making double-chariot parking a crucifiable offense and pinning it on Boozus, a resident of South Jerusalem.  Some of Dirtus' henchmen, residents of South Jerusalem themselves, were concerned for their own safety since double-chariot parking was commonplace in South Jerusalem.  Dirtus and his henchmen then decided to accuse Boozus of "missing someone who didn't come", which was, and still is, a crucifiable offense. 

It was decided to make this accusation publicly at the next Opening Day of Stoning Season.  Dirtus traditionally sponsored a group for this event every year with custom made togas (complete with Roman numerals), food, wine, and stones.  He usually threw in a few adulteresses to get things started.  The plan was for Judos, second only to Zipemiah as the most dastardly of Dirtus' henchman, to approach Boozus and kiss him.

Judos

Judos had just seen Brokeback Mountain and was looking forward to the kiss.  Recently, he also had been seen drinking chardonnay.  Once identified, Dirtus' goons would arrest Boozus, accuse him of "missing someone who didn't come", subject him to a mock trial, whip him, and then crucify him. Smelling money, B'll Schly Er, a local Assahollah, purchased the production rites to the crucifixion. 

Local Assahollah

In the event a popular movie would ever be made, he'd get all the profits.  (As a historical note, we should mention that Schly Er had also purchased production rites to New Years Eve celebrations, before New Years Eve had even been invented.)

Meanwhile, Zipemiah upon learning more about Boozus, accepted Boozus into his life, accepted the free wine supplied by Boozus into his mouth, and in a drunken stupor alerted the Hoggites to the coming scheme.

Drunken Stupor Saved Hoggites

When the Hoggites heard of the plan being made by Dirtus, they decided no way nobody who could make wine out of water (even chardonnay) was going to get nailed to anything.  They temporarily stopped production on tin foil to spirit Boozus away to safety where he founded one of the three main religions, Chrustianity, still practiced today.  At the time, Boozus was on a binge and spent three days in an alcoholic coma, the recovery from which can only be considered miraculous.

 
Boozus - Founder of Chrustianity

Why were all these critical facts not reported by HRN?  Who are they trying to protect?  Why can't the American public receive all the facts and make their own minds up?  The answers may lie in the all but incestuous relationship that exists today between the descendents of Dirtus and Judos.

Incestuous Relationship

This writer has found incontrovertible evidence (yeah we do real background research not like Dan Rather) that the descendents of Judos own all the preferred stock, which is the only stock with voting rights, of Hog Rock News and are receiving bribes, in the form of wine, from the descendents of Dirtus.  Do these bribes suggest the reason why selected facts were omitted?  We report, you decide.