Jammer’s Stomach Rejects Jammer
Healthy Lifestyle Suspected Cause
First he has a heart attack and had to undergo a variety of surgical procedures to get his ticker running.
First A Heart Attack
Then he’s diagnosed with stomach cancer. During his post surgery recovery, he is attacked by his fiendish friends.
Then Fiendish Friends Attack
And now, in what may be the most bizarre twists of fate, it turns out Jammer may have been the target of a cruel cancer hoax.
Subject of Cruel Hoax?
University of Pennsylvania Hospital officials informed Jammer this past week that the post surgery biopsies have shown that he never had stomach cancer. Apparently his stomach had been faking the illness in an effort to get out of Jammer’s body.
Faking Cancer?
Dr. Eatimup Yum-Yum, Chief Gastrointologist at the hospital, offered insights into this strange medical case.
Dr. Eatimup Yum-Yum
“Organ rejection is a common phenomenon in the world of organ transplantation. This appears to be the first documented case where an organ has rejected its original body. From what we can tell, Jammer’s stomach had become very disenchanted with him shortly after he was put on a restricted diet of high fiber and low fat following his heart problems in late 2002.
Unrestricted
and Restricted Diet Impact
Stomachs are creatures of bad habits. When you feed them high carbs and fatty food for over fifty years, they often get upset when forced to digest healthy foods.
Creatures of Bad Habits?
In an extreme case like Mr. Jammer’s, his stomach just couldn’t handle it. Rather than adjust, it tried to fake cancer to get out of his body.
We first suspected this during Jammer’s surgery. I needed an overhead crane to lift his stomach out of his body cavity.
Unique Surgical Technique
When we dropped onto a forklift, it still seemed to be alive. When the forklift left the operating room, we heard a commotion in the hallway.
Broke Loose After Leaving Operating Room
The stomach had taken off and headed down the street. Our post surgical biopsies later determined that the stomach had saved the candy wrappers that Jammer was too lazy to remove when he was sneaking a candy bar behind Mik’s back.
Candy Bar Wrappers Look Like Cancer?
It had rolled up the wrappers to fool us in the various X-rays. This is a stomach that obviously had a mind of its own.
Philadelphia Police are now investigating a strange string of robberies that initially started in the area of University City. Terrified witnesses have reported seeing a large stomach marauding through the streets of the city. Initially, this oversized organ was first seen in the snack food section of a 7-Eleven near the University of Pennsylvania Hospital gorging itself on Fritos and potato chips.
Stomach’s First Crime Scene
The terrified owner Ahmed Habubi was visibly shaken by the ordeal. Habubi described to police what he saw. “It was very scary. As soon as it walked in, I could see this stomach had an attitude. You could hear it growling like a lion. It sounded as if it had not been fed for a long time.”
Ahmed Habubi
Terrified 7-11 Owner
This large, hungry stomach apparently has no limits to its appetite. When it’s not sneaking into all-you-can-eat restaurants and cleaning out the buffet, it has been seen in the early morning hours sucking the cheese off the sidewalk at Pat’s.
Stomach Sneaking Into All-You-Can-Eat Restaurants
Sucking Cheese off
the Sidewalks
Police have been reluctant to apprehend this Gastronomical Giant. Police Commissioner Sylvester Johnson told Hog Rock that he would not put his men into harm’s way.
Police Commissioner
Afraid For His Own Ass
“This is one nasty organ. Just because it has not harmed anyone yet, I ain’t going to let it get a piece of my ass. We have a good m.o. on it. It seems to have a consistent pattern, eating twelve times a day moving from meal to meal. We are going to try and herd it in with the hippos at the zoo. They both have huge appetites and people can pay to feed it there.”
Nasty Organ
Herded with Hippos
We checked in with Jammer to get his opinion on this strange twist of fate. “I tried to explain to people that it wasn’t me who was responsible for my eating habits, it was that savage stomach of mine. It was like having an alien inside of me.
The Alien Inside?
The more I fed it, the hungrier it would get.
The
More You Feed It
The
Hungrier It Gets
When asked about how this turn of events has affected his condition, Jammer could only lament. That stomach has ruined my life. Now the only thing I have that comes close to eating is this goddamn tube sticking out of me. I pump in some goo that Nestle makes for poor souls like me. This crap is like a fresh mix of Portland cement and water, it sets up quick.
Jammer’s New Diet
After I shoot this stuff in me, I have to gulp down stool softeners like candy before this crap sets up in my colon. I screwed up the first time I took it. When I finally took a dump, I found my body lifting off the toilet seat as a big greenish brown concrete pillar came out of my ass.
Creates Concrete Turds
I had to get my son to jack hammer it into pieces before we could flush it down.
Jammer Jr. on Jackhammer
Things have gotten a little better now that I know how to put this tube to work for me. I got a new lounge chair and Beermeister. Now I just hook up my tube to a quarter keg and pump it up.
Hooked Up To A New Pump
I get a little gassy when I first tap a new keg, but my family knows I’m a pig and they are back to ignoring me like they always did.
Being Ignored - Back to Normal
When asked if he would try a reverse surgery should the police capture his stomach, Jammer expressed mixed emotions. I dream about a reunion with my stomach as much as my hippie brother-in-law dreams about a Seals & Crofts reunion.
Dreaming In-Law
Waiting for Reunion
Dr. Eatimup Yum-Yum described the risk of this reverse surgery. "I would not recommend it. This stomach is just too crazed and unpredictable. It may start eating his other organs. I have suggested that Mr. Jammer should look for a suitable donor that had similar characteristics to his old stomach. If any hog knows where we can find one, I would be willing to perform the surgery."
Looking For Possible Donors?