PHILADELPHIA, PA -- It is painful but necessary for me to report that the ravages of anabolic steroids have struck the Hogs. The signs are everywhere and obvious to Medical Correspondent, Doggie. The benefits are far outweighed by the price you pay. The most disfiguring side effect is seen in the Myrtle Beach photographs: Man Boobs. The artificial androgens force the testicles to retreat like the French army and allow estrogen to run amuck. The grim result can be best seen on the naked chests of Macos and Booze. Make that “Rackos” and “Boobs”.

Rackos & Boobs

We are not talking about the luscious lactose lumps of Beth Anne or the hemispheric splendor of Lady Jane.

Luscious Lactose Lumps & Hemispheric Splendor

No they are hideous unholy He-Hooters!

He-Hooters

The loss of testosterone and the withered BB-sized nads may explain why "Lackos" refuses to respond to Doogie's recent overwhelming yet brilliant barrage. This persistent timidity adds points to Fudge Packos' Backdoor Score.

Fudge Packos

There is evidence that the use of steroids is not new to the Hogs. That loveable, illegal alien Eggy fractured all three bones in his ankle in a 1987 softball game. Those of us at that game, won by Doogie with a clutch two-out double, saw no injury but heard the sickening crack of the big fellow's swarthy leg. The explanation is simple; steroids weakened the bones out of proportion to the muscles. It was a miracle that in this weakened condition he somehow managed to survive Phoenixville hospital.

Loveable Illegal Alien

Ask yourself how a buffed fitness freak such as Johnny Jammer Mathas could possibly have a heart attack at such a young age. Steroids is the only possible explanation.

Buffed Fitness Freak

Lastly there is the case of my dear brother and the editor of this spotty, yet at times great, website. How could a man possibly hit over .500 nine times after he passes his 42nd birthday? It is not possible without chemical assistance.

Chemically Assisted Hitting Legend

This topic is a hot item in national politics so I have asked some prominent national leaders to weigh in.

George Bush

I done most every drug but I don’t remember doing Rhoids. No buzz, no George I always says. I bet my niece can pack them away however.

Drug Packer

Cheney tells me it causes the Boys in the Basement to shrivel up like the national surplus.

Shrivel Expert

That will turn you Queer every time, and that means these unnatural, unholy same-sexed marriages. That shit don’t flush in Texas. What are the Dixie Cups going to sing now, “Going to the Chapel of Fudge”?

Going to the Chapel of Fudge

Did you see where Kerry is part Jew! We can use this in November. I know there aren’t many Jews on the planet but they sure seem to take up a lot of space. 

John Kerry

I am uncategorically, perhaps possibly, somewhat against the use of anabolic steroids. Did I say I was in Vietnam? I think it is cheap and immoral for Bush to exploit a misguided military tragedy like 9/11 for political gain. Did I mention I served in Vietnam? I was toe to toe with those Rice Paddy Daddies while Bush was on his yacht. The only Bush I saw in Nam was Jane Fonda’s. This was before shaving was in vogue so it resembled a Chia Pet.

John Kerry's Viet Nam Bush

Did you know I was a hero in Vietnam?  I can still hear the helicopters. Speaking of helicopters, I sure am glad that one crashed in Philadelphia or I would have never got my latest Meal Ticket/Wife Teresa.

John Kerry's Latest Meal Ticket

Ironic ain’t it. I left Nam with the aroma of Napalm in my nostrils and the aroma of Jane Fonda on my index finger.

 

Bill Clinton
 

Sure I will talk about steroids. I am tickled to talk about anything these days. You think I like being stuck up here in Harlem with that snotty-assed Senator Clinton. Senator my ass, without old Bill she would just be another coyote-faced, castrating she devil.

Coyote-Faced She Devil

Hillary makes Monica look like Angie Harmon. I made her take Doogie’s fish scale and it was “curtains for certain”.

Bill Can't Tell Them Apart

I would love to tell that dike to take a hike. Harlem sucks too. It looks like a dammed Tarzan movie outside my office window. The only man I know who really needed steroids was the great President John Kennedy for his Addison's disease. They don’t seem to have dimmed his libido a lick.

Undimmed Libido

OO Wee Marilyn Monroe, now that’s what I am talking about!! Why “Little Bill” gets taller just thinking about it!

Makes Little Bill Get Tall

I wish to hell JFK would have thought more clearly at the Bay of Pigs and maybe Monica would have been ticklin' her twat with real Cubans and not cheap knockoffs. Kennedy did not get a bit of crap for Marilyn or a host of others, yet I got crucified for one porky intern. It pisses me off! My mistake was hosing down her dress with my manly starch. Who would have thought that the First Sauce would be use against me?

Howard Dean

I am against the use of steroids in Iowa, in Massachusetts, in North Carolina, in South Carolina, in Georgia, in Delaware, in Arizona, in New York, in New Jersey, in Virginia, Yeaaaaaaaaaa!!!! Actually I don’t know a thing about steroids, I was a crappy doctor also.

Barry Bonds

Fuck you white boy, my daddy died.