Myrtle Beach, Saturday September 27, 2003

Scramble Made a Shamble!!!!

Dante aside, there are not enough stages of hell that one Mr. Charles (Captain Hook) Bolton should be subjected to, given the Enron-like lies and mass deception he sought to perpetrate at the conclusion of this years closely-fought Scramble competition in Myrtle Beach SC.  Compared to this guy, Matthew Fastow, erstwhile scumbag and CFO of Enron could easily wrestle the Mother Theresa Leper of the Year award from Areno.

Scumbag Leper

So what was the big controversy? Not the lying or the cheating.  That is a much a part of HOG competition as breathing. It was more the breadth of this nefarious enterprise that boggled the usually unboggleable minds of long-term and not-so-long-term Hogs. 

Given the glib pre-emptive piece Charlie recently submitted to the Hog Rock Times, I hope you will all take a minute to reflect on this unbiased reporter's examination of CB's (Child of Beelzebub?) sins.

First of all he endeavored to exert executive privilege over the naive and for lack of a better explanation, the simple minded, (aka, his teammates).

Lets start with Dave (New Guy) Vrobel, this year's Myrtle Beach Rookie of the Year.  Dave, though no simpleton, became star-struck in my opinion and thus overwhelmed by the false appreciation showered upon him by his captain and and the rest of the nefarious crew for hitting the 3rd or was it the 4th or 5th ball so close to the hole on which the now infamous "miscount" occurred.

Star-Struck Rookie

Dave naively thought that these guys actually appreciated his talent rather than seeing through their plan to disengage his otherwise well-positioned moral compass.  I say let's give the rookie the benefit of the doubt for now. He was far too inexperienced to have realized that Kaptian Krook would be calling on the name of the great Golf Buddha/Liar, Jammer, to justify his actions.

Jammer - Buddha of Golf

As for the rest of the team, photos of the Chairman already bear out his culpability.  Tom (Mulligan) Anzio, while initially cowed by Chucky/Satan Bolton, eventually saw the light.  Maybe it was the the two hours of reflection in the hot tub and Sauna that did it, or maybe it was the bottle of Scotch he drank just prior to that.  Whatever, the Chairman did come clean and did make amends. (As will be seen in a later byline.)

Chairman Makes Amends

As for Nurse Eggy, it's just too easy to slap the label of liar on him.  It is this highly-unbiased reporter's observation that Eggy has probably been hogging at the trough of Vanguard corporate greed too long.  I can only assume that screwing little old retirees out of their hard earned 401K savings for the last five years has affected this former pillar of Hogmunity so that the difference between lying, cheating and the truth is barely discernible.

Former Pillar of Hogmunity

However, let's get back to main culprit, the Serpent's Handmaiden, Mr. Chas. Bolton. As if mesmerizing this group of merry shaft whackers was not enough, he attempted to then obfuscate his team's golfic ineptitude by the clever use of an eraser-equipped pencil.

Serpent's Handmaiden

Given the close scrutiny that the organizer Fat and Sassy gave to the less savory of its competitors, in an attempt to prevent just this sort of activity, one must assume that said eraser-equipped pencil had been cleverly hidden in some bodily cavity that quite frankly makes most normal men want to shudder.  Let's just hope none of his teammates had occasion to put that pencil anywhere near their mouths during the course of the round.

Organizer Fat and Sassy

Had the chairman not:

a) sobered up
b) gotten even more liquored up
c) suffered a brain synapse of dramatic proportion
d) been such a dumb fuck,

none of this would have seen the bright light of inquisition.

Dumb Fuck

Since one of the above (there is no right answer) did in fact occur, the Cloven Footed One and his band of fallen ball fondlers were denied what would have been ill gotten monetary rewards.  Instead, in true HOG tradition, another group of possibly even bigger assholes won the tournament. Thank God for the squealers, whiners, finger pointers and whistle (we assume) blowers in the great HOG universe.

In conclusion, this reporter can only state that a nice long soak in a hot tub filled with Booze's festering man sauce might be just what Doctor Doogie would prescribe for senor Bolton to cure him of bold-face double driving.

Booze's Festering Man Sauce

R. DeCoux, Star Reporter, Hog Rock Cafe Times