Quack’s Corner

Who has not suffered the torture of being unable to unpack the pipes. At Grandview Hospital I deal with a ton of old geezers who come whining to me with their constipation complaints. When a case of Milk of Magnesia wasn’t enough to break up their log jam, I found I needed drastic measures for those drastic conditions. Best of all, I developed a great way of ripping off the Medicare system. By giving those old geezers a good, old fashioned, Liquid Plumber ($2.50/gallon) enema, my profit margins soared. One quart usually handled even the biggest asshole. This over the counter cure has several additional side benefits. First, it will remove any annoying anal hair. But even more convenient, you can shit in your sink and clean out your traps and drain pipes while you clear out your own plumbing. Give it a try. I guarantee you will see the results instantly!

If I had a dime for every time I had to use a defribulator on some clogged artery asshole who comes rolling into my emergency room, I would be more filthy rich than I am already.  Heart disease is the number one killer in our country and it is the disease that keeps my swimming pool heated in the winter.  I recommend the four B's to all my patients - Butter, Burgers, Beer & Bedrest.  These are the four staples which support my lifestyle.  So go out tonight and order yourself a big juicy burger fried in butter, wash it down with a few beers and go to bed.  Then just let Old Doc Quack take care of the rest.

For more of Doc Quack’s Cures, visit him at www.Quackland.com

A common problem that often gets blamed on the dog is flatulence or what is commonly know as farting. This embarrassing side effect of the digestive process is particularly troublesome when trying to suck up to the boss or when on a crowded elevator. Next time you eat those pickled eggs and pigs feet, insert a tube or crazy glue up your asshole, and give it a squeeze. Remove the tube quickly and pinch your sphincter for 15 seconds. You won’t have to use that lame old excuse “Did someone step on a duck?” anymore. This cure also works on hemorrhoids that occasionally pop out and for those who talk out there ass.

For more of Doc Quack’s Cures, visit him at www.Quackland.com

I often have had to help aging men with the ailment know as Manly Breast Syndrome. This embarrassing affliction is easily cured with Doc Quack’s breast reduction therapy. Get yourself a cheese grater. Vigorously rub the grater against the breast area until your manly breasts are gone. I receive $6000 per breast from Medicare for this treatment. Subscribe to my website for only $799/mo and get all my cures.

More and more I see middle-aged men who have been OD’ing on

Viagra. The symptoms are always the same. A blue veined jumbo that just won’t go away. In their search for that “Hard-on a cat couldn’t scratch”, they end up with a woody looking for a woodpecker. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I have found a cure for this annoying condition. As scary as this sounds, I recently got hold of some nude pictures of Jammer. Ooffa! Not only did I lose my erection, I shit my pants in fear. There is one side effect to this cure. You will need to undergo psycho-therapy to un-burn that image from your brain.