Dear Webmaster

 

I will share with you some of the mail I have received expressing outrage over the raunchy “Bitty’s Titties” feature that now sullies Hog Rock Café. First allow me to voice my own displeasure over the pornification of the Home of Doogie. This was a once tasteful, topical and family oriented site. We discussed politics, medical issues, religion, gay rights, and what a dick Macos is.

What a Dick!

 

Now to curry ratings (or in today’s lingo “hits”), its tits, tits and more tits. Quite simply it's Tits for Hits. The classy elegance of this once great Website has vanished like a Sumatran beach.  Make no mistake, I am no fan of the Chocolate Starfish and my love of man sauce targets is well documented. But Hog Rock has gone way too far and my own brother has become a just another Larry Flint pornographer, only with working legs.
 

Two of a Kind

 

The following letters to Doogie show that my displeasure is as widespread as the buttocks of a Michael Jackson houseguest.

 

George Bush:   There are six tits in my house and not one of them has ever been seen in public.

 

Whitehouse Six Pack
 

I will tell yaw that Laura’s are awesome, Jenna's are good and Barbara’s are pathetic, but none of them ain't going to be on any Website soon. Jesus is also against tits. Mary Magdalene always kept her biblical bouncers under swaddling and Jesus as a baby never got near the Virgin Mary’s Dairies.

 

Against Tits
 

Laura’s are getting a tad saggy but she still has twice as many as John Edward’s wife.

 

 Pope John Paul II:   I am sickened by Hog Rock's subliminal attempt at birth control. God intended us to have sex for one and only one reason: to discipline the altar boys.  Just kidding, to procreate of course. Pleasure was never His intention; the clitoris was an error in design. We need starving millions to spread the word of the Holy Father. After seeing Sigourney Weaver’s hideous boils on Hog Rock, no man will be able to squirt for Jesus. This is nothing but birth control and I forbid it.

 

 
Subliminal Birth Control

  Ted Kennedy:   Where has the decency gone in this great land? Hog Rock is still torturing me despite my 50 years of service to our country. 50 years of titless service I might add.  I was the only Kennedy that didn’t have a snort on Marilyn’s mommy meat.
 

No Mommy Meat For Teddy

 

My wife was always too drunk to roll over, and when she did they were no bigger than Bobby’s. Mary Joe rebuffed my attempts to get into her bra, causing me to lose control and hit the water. One brief pre-plunge glimpse proved to me that she was best left submerged. The only reason I went back the next day was to look for my contact lens. The closest I ever get to pay dirt these days is a little cleavage from that caustic castrating California C---, Barbara Boxer.

 

Caustic Castrating California C___

Michael Jackson:   When I was black I liked titties a lot better. I used to get a chubby looking at the Mrs. Butterworth syrup bottle.

 

Gave Michael a Chubby

 

Now the only bumps I enjoy seeing during sex are small shoulder blades. Life was a lot simpler then, and a lot cheaper. A sedative, a little alcohol, a ride on my Ferris wheel and everyone was happy. Today it takes millions to get the little bastards to walk it off. You get them into titties and I will never get them back to Neverland. The remains of the Elephant Man have proven relatively useless for sexual purposes. I am far too rich to while away my days stroking “Little Michael.” Enough with the titties, except for my sister of course.

Only Titties Michael Wants to See

Scott Peterson:   Mercy, mercy, I am stuck on death row and all I see is celebrity tits. This is cruel and unusual punishment. Titties are what got me in here in the first place. Lacy, rest her soul and fetus, was pretty, sweet and flatter than the town of  La Conchita California. Now my main squeeze Amber has some true honeydews, that’s what I’m talking about! I realized that lactating would rally those pathetic tater tots of Lacy, but that would be temporary at best. So I did what any red-blooded American boy would do. I massacred my young wife and unborn son. In your face Pope!  I took them "fishing”.  A little infanticide and everyone gets all pissed off. Now I have to jerk off until they fry me, so enough of the tits.

 

Bill Clinton:   I say bring on the tits! I ain't had no good heavy hangers since that porker Monica got tossed out of the White House.

 

A Porker But She Had Heavy Hangers

 

Hilary’s still pissed and her’s were never worth a hoot anyway. I did peek through the keyhole the other day and I gotta tell you that Chelsea’s healthy! I do have my limits though and unlike most guys from Arkansas I ain't touching my daughter.  Hilary already warned me.  So as I say bring on those fancy Hollywood Hooters.

 

Chelsea’s Healthy!
 

As you can see, Bill Clinton may be the only person in America who is not offended by Bitty's Titties.  By the way, do you have any nudes of Mother Teresa?

 

Doogie

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