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Hogdom was shocked this week with news that asshole-extraordinaire Nixon has been banned from the Stables forever. And if you don’t believe forever, you don’t know Dungee.
To put this accomplishment in perspective, no Hog has ever been banned from the Stables in nearly forty years going back to the Stables Hogs volleyball teams of the early seventies.
Now the Hogs have to decide whether to dump Nixon into the Stables parking lot or dump the Stables. Hog Rock has interviewed several eyewitnesses for this in-depth investigation. What Really Happened
A-Reno broke the story with the following alert. “Nixon was flagged from the Stables last night. Hogs looking for a new home. Details to follow. I'm sure it wasn't Jeff's fault.”
Bloemer, judges Macos and Zip need you take the stand and testify your version of the story without leaving any details out. The judges need to hear what took pace with Dungy from someone not named Nixon. The jury is waiting for you before coming down with the verdict. And if Smutko was still there, you need to testify also. (Remember, you get full immunity the more you make Nixon out to be the asshole). This will be a historical chapter in the annals of the Hog Rock Cafe titled "What kind of asshole loses the Hogs charter after 30 years of business?"
Nixon's attorneys were no help to Nixon.
“The events leading up to the altercation between the business owner and the VIP (Very Intoxicated Patron) created whirlwind of negative energy that could ONLY result in banishment from such a fine institution as Stables Bar & Grill.” “After a poor showing at the dartboard, the VIP began slurring various profanities and making wild claims that “cigarette smoke in his eyes” was at fault for his less than competitive edge. The bar owner approached the VIP and warned that he would be removed from the property if his coarse behavior did not cease immediately.
Not being partial to discipline, the VIP responded with a torrid backlash of various threats and vulgar mumbles while a colorful blend of reggae and ska music carried through the stale air. The bar owner followed through with his promise and commanded that Nixon exit the premises, never to return again…. And then Nixon left.” “Amidst the pleas from fellow teammates Bloemer and Smutko that Dungee might look past Nixon’s behavior and allow him to return for our next Hog’s team meeting, the sound of an opening door was heard as Nixon came walking through the door, apparently undeterred by the ejection. His tail between his legs and the fire extinguished from his eyes, he begged for forgiveness. Despite the potential for financial shortcomings he might suffer in the coming months, Dungee would not budge from his decision and Nixon was doomed to never to see the inside of Stables Bar and Grill again.”
“While pleading the case for our beloved Nixon the owner did state this stemmed from a previous event... our late-night appearance at the Stables following the Hogs Hooters X-mas party. Apparently in a less than "under his breath" voice (we are talking about Nix, go figure) disparaging comments were made about the owner, his lack of team support financially and alcoholically, and most likely some fat jokes.” “The owner concluded this was not a singular incident but in fact the accumulation of Nixon over the years. After what had to be 15 minutes of John and I pleading Nixon's case it was evident that Dungee would not budge and we smoked one more in the parking lot, possibly Nixon's new post-game home.”
Asshole of the Decade or Just an Asshole?
Areno continues. “I'm going to reschedule my planned trip to see the Pyramids and the Rock of Gilbralter. Rather than wait until I retire 10 years from now, We better get there before Nixon; who knows what they will look like, or even if they would still exist after his visit. It's like farting in an elevator...He gets off and walks away, and the rest have to put up with his stink.
Andy Announces Team Position So what are the Hogs going to do; dump Nixon into the Stables parking lot, or dump the Stables? Manager/GM Andy has announced the team’s position.
“As much as I would like to take this opportunity to
maybe humble or even just take Nixon back a few pegs, I can't. I've
been on this team for 13 or 14 years now. I've been running it for
roughly five. And I can count the number of words that Dungee has
said to me on one hand. I always commented on how he never really
gave us any respect or even acknowledged us, let alone any money. It
was only about tradition that I did not force the issue. Tradition
and the fact that we are completely obnoxious every time we go
there.
Hog Rock's Final Verdict
Hog Rock’s exhaustive investigation clears Nixon of any wrong doing. On the contrary, Hog Rock salutes Nixon’s brilliant asshole performance which finally frees the Hogs from the Stables, a stink bar with no food, no free pitchers and a grumpy fat owner. To quote Macos, “Fuck the Stables - Go for the gusto and don't look back.”
Unless Nixon can get the new bar to put up some real
money like a real sponsor, the Hog's new name will be the Hog Rock Hogs. |
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B-Reno
demanded an inquiry. “30 years of the Stables Hogs, Nixon joins the
team and turns it into the La Taverna Hogs. I can’t
help but feel responsible for being the one to allow him to join the
team." 
Attorney Smutko was the first to
testify. “The cloudy details of the Dungee v. Nixon
blowout on the night of February 4th, 2010 filter down to one sad
example of what it means to be a “valued” member of an
organization.” 
Attorney Bloemer
confirmed Smutko's damaging testimony. “Sounds about right as I was a VIP as well.
I remember Nixon pleading for another round of drinks at ~2AM as I
mashed crumpled $5's and $1's into my pocket. I guess the angst
evident in Nixon's voice of not only be cut off but also losing
money to me was all the owner needed.”
Others
suspected that Nixon was more likely to win another award,
Asshole of the Decade. Areno provides his advice. “I think
Nixon needs a little coaching on his 'timing'. I mean really, if
your talking A-hole of the year or eventually A-hole of the decade,
you don't pull your antics on 02/04/2010 !! Who's going to
remember what happened now, in December 2019 when the Hog Academy
chooses nominations? On the other hand, I think we have the young
guns' version (or this generation's version) of Sly as far as A-hole
awards go. He's a lock every year !!”
B-Reno
agrees. “If Lebron James played against 8th graders, there is no way
anyone could compete with him. The same holds true for Nixon's
domination of the A-hole category. Who can compete? It's not fair,
he's head and shoulders above all of his hog counterparts. It’s
taken 33 years of A-hole training to get Nixon to the top of his
game, and it seems he's still getting better at being an A-hole. We
should marvel at these abilities as we witness him continue to take
his A-hole talents to new levels. With one year into the new
decade, I'm sure he has more A-hole stunts planned up his sleeve
that he will unveil over the next nine years to lock in the next
decade award. I'm sure of it, he's just too good to contemplate ever
retiring from being an A-hole.”
17-Year
Hog veteran Elmer agreed. “Even though I missed the events on
February 4, 2010 at the Stables, I was able to talk to Nix and got a
complete version (albeit Nix version) of the situation that occurred
at the Stables. I agree with Andy's assessment of the owner and the
bar. I have been a Hog for roughly 17 years and may have had one
conversation in that time with the owner. Also I conservatively
estimated that if we attend the Stables approximately 25 times a
year (after games and impromptu meetings) and spend $250.00 per
session that is $6250.00 that Stables will now lose. I know some
bartenders have bought a pitcher of beer every now and then but
never when the owner is in the bar. It also would be nice to get
something to eat after a game that is more substantial than popcorn
(Areno- even though it is the best popcorn ever made). Dungy may not
care that we are looking for another watering hole but I bet the
bartenders won't be happy.”
