Macos Backhoes Inferno

Gas Main Rupture Inferno

    By Doogie
Hog Rock Featured Columnist

Feb. 13, 2004

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- The spectacular natural gas fire that paralyzed Philadelphia has been attributed to a PECO official. Witnesses at the scene testified that David “Macos” McFarland  was smoking crack with two homeless men when his unmanned Backhoe cut into a natural gas main.

Crack Buddies

Police captain Woodrow “Woody” Spanker stated that McFarland would be questioned after he landed, and that he was "in some deep shit”. McFarland and his two friends are not expected to be injured. McFarland’s long-suffering spouse, Sally “Sacos” McFarland was quoted as saying, “I told him a hundred times to stick to heroin. For his sake the fall better kill him”.

Long Suffering Spouse

The local homeless population, however, view McFarland as a hero. A man, who gave his name as “Toothless Tony”, saw the massive fireball as a godsend.

Toothless Tony

“Its cold out and this beats the crap out of those f---ing vents. Now we can drink our sterno instead of wasting it for heat and cooking. That Macos dude is righteous.

Righteous Dude

Two former big city mayors chimed in on the blaze. UCMWSC (Urban Council of Mayors Who Smoked Crack) Chairman Marion Barry stated, “We had a rule of thumb. No crack smoking at the site of an open gas leak. Eight years, no fires, speaks for itself. There is no reason the dude couldn’t have had a couple of whores in tow, however.

            
UCMWSC Chairman             UCMWTTOC Chairman  

UCMWTTOC (Urban Council of Mayors Who Torched Their Own City) Chairman Wilson Goode stated "You call that a fire! Ten city blocks minimum and then we will talk. Toss in a few crispy kids and that’s what I’m talking about.”

Now That's A Hell Fire!

The Bush administration also was outraged. Spokesman Dick Cheney averred that the tragedy merely proved the administration’s stand against same sex friendships was valid. “Three men, no broads, we got a disaster. If you spit at the bible you get Hell Fire," stated the Vice President. In fact Cheney mused that the policy did not go far enough and demanded a ban on same sex conversations.

Demands Ban on Same Sex Conversations

More facts will be reported once McFarland lands and is questioned thoroughly.