Liberal My Ass

It is with considerable consternation that the scion of the world's number-one liberal family is forced to address this neo-fascist website. However, there is an outrage that must be addressed! Doogie is about as liberal as Mary Jo was buoyant. You know even though I wrote it on the numerous checks that I used to buy off her father, I still cannot remember that girl's last name. To me she will always be "the blonde I left in the pond".

The Blonde I Left In the Pond

If I had passed the State Bar I would sue Hog Rock for this egregious misrepresentation of liberal ideals. (In truth, I can never pass any bar: sports, titty or state.) Doogie is homophobic, anti-Semitic, racist, anti-Catholic, and yet you present him as Hog Rock's liberal! Liberal My Ass!!!

Liberal My Ass

I am also quite sure that my protest will open my great family to yet another lambasting. I would like to address this ahead of time. My great father may have been a bootlegger and a gun runner, but he was always nice to me.

Bootlegger & Gun Runner
But Always Nice to Teddy

It is true that without my mother's permission, he had my older sister lobotomized when she became depressed. That may seem a tad draconian but it did seem to cheer her the hell up. Spare the ice pick, spoil the child, we always say.

Spare the Ice Pick, Spoil the Child

My oldest brother Joseph, flew about as well as I drive and we will leave it at that.

Shitty Pilot

That brings me to the most famous and most-unfairly-maligned of our brood, John. He may have been in error when he tried to block a Japanese cruiser with P.T. boat, but I wasn't there. He may have been a bit misguided when he invaded Cuba with fifty guys, but who knew Castro had guns?

Who Knew He Had Guns?

What cannot be denied is he was a pioneer when it came to turning the Oval Office into a brothel. His concern for the "First Organ" far exceeded that of even Clinton.

First Priority Was The First Organ

More importantly, to whom would you rather donate the presidential DNA , Marilyn or Monica? The Kennedy's leave girls like Lewinsky to the nephews to allegedly rape.

Recipients of First Organ DNA Donations

There have been suggestions that J.F.K. was taking more drugs than Elvis. This tells all we need to know about the measure of the man. The King of Rock & Roll could not even move his bowels, but my big brother could still get it up.

Drug Kings

He was a great, great man who left his heart in Washington, his baby batter in Marilyn, and his cerebellum in Dallas.

Left His Cerebellum in Dallas

It is also a testament to the Kennedy men that my brother Bobby, despite an uncanny resemblance to Bugs Bunny, also "went to the polls" with Miss Monroe.

Bobby Also Went to the Polls