Holy Crap
By Doogie
Doogie has already expressed his deep distress over the moral erosion that has eaten away at Hog Rock Café, the House That Doogie Built. I have decided to take the advice of the first lady and turn to religion for guidance.
Doogie Adviser
I have always known the difference between Good (Doogie) from Evil (Macos) and thus have never needed spiritual help.
Good & Evil
However, it occurred to me that my own religious experience may benefit other Doogie fans. I recently attended the Confirmation ceremony of the Holy Catholic Church. This is the ceremony when we turn our precious children over to the people who brought you Institutionalized Neverland.
Institutionalized Neverland?
Happily this is one of the few situations where girls are safer than boys. No pictures were allowed. It seems the gathering of the flock is no longer as great of a concern to the church as the gathering of evidence. I must have arrived late because I missed the circumcisions and the Bleeding of the Lambs. There was much excitement in the town as we became aware that the Associate Bishop Emeritus of Philadelphia was to conduct the ceremony. The Elders sailed the Holy Sees to find the one clergyman older and more infirmed than the Pope.
Associate Bishop Emeritus
More Infirmed Than The Pope?
Mercifully, like His Holiness, no one could understand a word he said. He had a Popish silly hat with a crown that resembled a gravestone and two earflaps that were constantly being attended to by Bishop Juniors. He wielded a hockey-stick-like Crook that I assume was used to trip fleeing altar boys. I was surprised that as a bishop he was capable of non-diagonal movements.
In the Penalty Box for Tripping?
The music was simply atrocious. A nasty side effect of having no Blacks in the Church is that the music sucks. Michael Jackson, long deserving of his own parish, may be the solution.
The Solution?
Two hours after being unpacked from his crate the antediluvian holy man ambled out as he came. Our children were returned to us, and as far as I could tell none were taken. I was forced to ponder ruefully the significance of the notches on the Bishop’s Crook.
Notches?
I was left, amazed as always, at what we do because we have always done it.
Respectfully
Hog Rock
Religious Correspondent
Doogie
