Hog Rock Announces
Plans for IPO
By Macos & Zip

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Hog Rock CEOs

Wall Street went gah-gah as Webmaster and CEO of hogrockcafe.com, Zip, announced record second quarter performance on an analyst’s call.  “Our Hog Rock Café website has been growing at an annualized rate of over 300%.  We have seen this rate of growth accelerate during July as we topped the 1000 hit mark for the first time.”    

Hog Rock Reaches 1000 Hits in July!

One of the late comers in the dot com industry, Hog Rock was launched just as the dot com bubble was about to burst.  Visionary Webmaster Zip was able to buck the whole industry trend and find ways to grow his website while others crashed and burned.   

Visionary Webmaster

 “We always had a simple business plan.  There is one hell of a lot of assholes in this world, most of them have computers, and no one was paying any attention to them. Here’s a sample of our target audience."

 

Hog Rock’s Target Audience – The World’s Biggest Assholes

Being Super Hogs and long-time assholes ourselves, my partner and I saw this untapped market as a huge business opportunity.”   Initially, we focused on our venerable publishing business, Hog Rock News.  We recruited a few good writers and columnists like Art “Ask Artie” Swiatkowski.   

We also knew we had to find advertisers that our customers could relate to.  We focused on the three L’s, Liquor, Lawyers and Losers.  Anyone who drinks enough will become an asshole, lawyers are trained assholes, and every loser is an asshole.  Dirt, F. Lee and The Stable Hogs all saw this as the vehicle to attract their kind of clientele.”

Macos’ cheap printer and a few stamps got us started.  He then expanded our Hog Rock merchandizing unit.  Originally limited to Championship Belts, we have grown and captured market share in key markets like T-shirts and Golf Balls.

   
Hog Rock Merchandise

But all along we knew the only way to reach assholes all around the world was on the Web.  We needed the Web and the Web needed us.

Established April 1, 2000

We have done all this with only our own venture capital and negligible advertising revenue. We always believed once we reached that magic 1000 hits per month rate on the web page, we would take Hog Rock Productions public.  We have discussed our plans with investment bankers and taken counsel with Fortune 500 assholes like Ken Lay of Enron, Martha Stewart, and former and present CEO’s of Adelphia Communications, John Rigas and Bill Schleyer. 

    
Hog Rock Investment Counselors

 All agreed that if there were enough stupid assholes to invest in their companies, Hog Rock would have no trouble finding investors. 

“We also know if we want this company to really have a future, we have to get children who are the future assholes of the world to get “Hooked on Hog Rock”.  I have been talking with Michael Jackson about a possible joint venture.  We have long held a vision of opening Hoggyland.  We like to think of it as a place where parents can bring their kids to learn the ways of the Hogs.  Michael told us he has always believed having a kiddy bar where children could be plied with wine and liquor is the kind of place he would want to visit.”

Hoggyland Partners

Hoggyland would also be a place where Hogs could go and be total assholes and feel comfortable that they will not be subject to the kind of persecution they often get in public.”

We also need to invest in technology.  We need to make the website more interactive.  We need entertaining pop ups that will bring people back.  Our creative staff has been kicking around a few ideas like “Who’s that coming out of Mother Teresa’s Asshole?” where you can pick the person you want. 

Somebody Besides Wendell?

 
Doogie and Macos are interested in doing a little video like the one on jibjab.com.”

HogJab?

Our customers are telling us they want an on-line Help-A-Hog and an Ask Artie chat room, so they don’t have to wait for months for the latest Hog Rock News. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To make all this happen, we need to make a big investment in software, computer hardware and the world’s best computer programmers. That is going to take some serious cash, and we think there are enough assholes who would want to make an investment for this kind of entertainment.  Hog Rock is committed to the future of all Hogs.  We want them to know we will be here, making fun of them long after they are dead!”
 

We have heard from several market analysts and expert stock pickers, and they apparently like what they heard:

Bob “Booger” Greenaway, Chief Strategist of Stable Hog Securities– “I would love to invest in Hog Rock.  I’ve been thinking about shifting around my portfolio.  Right now I’m up to my third knuckle with investments in nose gold mining stocks.  I’m going to diversify by getting my finger out of my nose and start sticking it up my ass.  Hog Rock seems like a good place to start.”

 
Stable Hog Investor

“Eggs” Demiter, of The Vanguard Group – “I sold my house and put all my money into Hog Rock.  I want to see someone other than Wendell sticking out of Mother Teresa’s ass.  I would love to see if Momma T can get a couple big turds like that buffalo-headed Dale “Too Fat” Jones or his Fat Cabaña Boy sidekick Franco out her ass.” 

           
Vanguard Investor                      Tight Squeeze for Big Turds     

Dick DeCoux, of Swinging Dick Investments – Every swinging dick is trying to find a place where they can watch their investment grow and while helping future generations of Hogs.  I find that the Hog Rock approach is where the smart money will be.  God knows I would pay to watch Michael Jackson sexually assault a 10-year old boy!”

Swinging Dick Investor

Bob “Binky” Bucco, Philadelphia Federal Reserve – As we start to tighten the money supply across the country, investors need to look for stocks that can weather interest rates swings.  It is clear that the interest rate in Hog Rock is sky rocketing.  I have directed our strategic gold reserves to be invested in Hog Rock.  I have recently procured the keys to the Social Security lock box from Al Gore and plan to have the entire country invested in Hog Rock.”

 
Will Unlock the Lock Box

David “Dirt” Beyel, Pubic Investment Strategist – I have always been interested in IPO’s, so Hog Rock has my interest.  My first Initial Pubic Offering happened back in High School.  I am a firm believer in the old pubic investment strategy, “Once you get past the smell, you got it licked”.  I am picking up a strong scent with this Hog Rock.  I have been telling all my friends, ‘If it smells like smoke, I’m going for broke!” 

 

                   
Pubic Investor                                                                 Going for Broke                 

Tom “The Chairman” Anzio, Asshole Advisory Counsel – I am giving this a big thumbs up.  This is the kind of investment I have been hoping would happen.  The Hog Rock IPO supports our motto “Assholes Helping Assholes.”  I am encouraging all my fellow counsel members to invest.  We need a place like Hoggyland where dimwitted assholes like Bitty and the Z-man can roam freely.    

                                                               
                                                                 Dimwitted Bitty                       Big Thumbs Up                            Dimwitted Z-man

Not all investors were positive, however. One former Hog Rock investor, Dennis “Fat & Sassy” James, expressed caution about this “irrational exuberance” towards Hog Rock. “After creating hogrockcafe.com and providing them a free website server, all I got for my generosity was shit about dumping my wife and fucking the Doublemint Twins. So I dumped them off my server, and I’d rather go broke than invest another penny in those two losers.” 

Fuck Those Two Losers

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