I Am A Homophobe

I am a very busy man/God who has little time for levity. Why with being the leader of the world's Catholics, shielding thousands of predatory priests, counseling the starving A.I.D.S.- infected millions against the use of birth control, and explaining away that Holocaust thing, my spare time is at a premium. May I say I have nothing against Jews but they did tack him up after all.

Ridiculous Hat

My heart is heavy and my body is crooked (mostly from wearing that ridiculous hat), I have never had any pussy, so I need an occasional chuckle. This is why I turn to Hog Rock Cafe and that devilish little rascal Doogie. Doogie's Corner is a Papal staple.

Papal Staple

Doogie may not be a homophobe, but I sure am and God is with me. Yes, I do talk to God: straight teeth, class act all the way. Does not scripture state that a man shall not lie with another man, with or without lubricant? ( Ezekiel II-3a chapter 8). Does not scripture state that a women shall not lie with another women? Note: This is actually more of a guideline than a hard and fast rule. Lesbos always put a charge in the Pope's rope. The point being that sex and procreation must go hand in hand (immaculate conception my ass). Gays can decorate, masturbate and figure skate but they can't procreate.

I also differ with Doogie on labeling The Virgin Mary and Mother Theresa lesbians. The Mother of God was no fish face and Mother Theresa is the greatest saint since Archie Manning.

The Last Two Great Saints

Lastly, the implication that priests are pedophiles is blasphemy. Altar boys seem to lie often about this suggesting that priests see holy water as a lubricant. Since some of the priests are celibate for decades, how can they be blamed for an occasional parting of those firm, smooth, yet surprisingly muscular buttocks. To all those whining, alleged victims of sexual abuse, I say Walk It Off.