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French Perspective Needed
Well, to my long suffering Hog Rock fan club let me say that it all began with the Hog Rock Christmas Card debacle. To what you may be asking is Dick alluding? To any true Hog that is an unnecessary question. The Hog Rock Christmas Card 2004 was a travesty!!!
Travesty!
It included
head shots of Hogs who have not been to a bonafide HOG event since the great
Hogs Open rain-a-thon of ott-89 at the Ancient and Honorable Meadowbrook. BUT,
it did not include a head shot, or for that matter even an ass shot of one of
the major contributors to Hog Rock, ME!
You send out a public document of the birth of Boozus and not anywhere on the
card is DICK, a cornerstone of Hog Rock and a well known confidant and wise
counselor of Boozus. I mean what the FUCK is that about???? After some soul
searching, and I don't mean my soul, I mean a search of the soulless ASSHOLES
who edit Hog Rock, it all became clear to me.
Soulless Assholes
Macos/Svengali finally found a way to get his nefarious revenge on the MAN who once again robbed him of his chance to play on the Winning Foursome at the 2004 Myrtle Beach classic. I realize that I have been a bit remiss in my failure to report in full the highlights of the Myrtle Beach Hogathon, but to be penalized in such a public fashion is quite simply harsher than being boned by Lyndie English or being forced to spend a long weekend at Neverland Ranch.
Better Alternatives
When I received the Christmas Card I presumed that while Boozus surely should be the center piece, DICK would certainly be featured somewhere. Not even close. I saw various and sundry HOG photos in the card, most of whom were deserving, but few of who have consistently contributed as diligently and intellectually to Hogdom as DICK. I have stewed for months and actually considered contacting F. Larry about a "being left out trauma" suit. However, I have decided that the WHINE is mightier than the suit, and am hereby delivering my reasoning about why I was left out of the holiday greeting that Macos, and believe me I lay this fully at his feet, constructed.
Fully to Blame
As previously intimated, despite his extreme Machiavellian efforts, Macos was unable to persuade me to join his evil plot to construct a golf foursome so powerful we would walk away with the coveted BEST OF FIELD trophy at the annual Myrtle Beach HOG SCRAMBLE. Instead I opted to cast my fate to the FAT & SASSY random computer-generated foursome, a tradition nearly as old as the outing itself.
Fat & Sassy Tradition
In spite of this, Macos/Svengali conspired to put together a foursome, a veritable "DREAM TEAM", that he was sure would walk away with the HONORS. As we all know, the intrepid foursome of Charles the Repentant and Absolved Bolton, Zip, Dick, and new guy Shane ended up winning the event in a nail biter that was decided by Shane's pressure putt birdie on the 18th hole.
Fat & Sassy Scramble Winning Team
This team of exceptional competitors narrowly defeated the Stretch, Vrobel, F. Larry (apparently in his third trimester), and Steve Edwards team who had a chance to tie it on 18 but fell well short of doing so.
Runner-Up Team
I suppose I
could give a hole-by-hole account of how Bolts and Dick smashed the long ball
and made the great chips, how a somewhat woozy Zip hit the perfect shots when he
needed to, and how Shane, in the running for ROOKIE OF THE YEAR Honors, rose to
the occasion in fine fashion on number 18. But that is not necessary to the
discursive at hand. Suffice it to say that Macos and his "DREAM" team (Boozus
excepted) shit the proverbial bed and were nowhere near equal to the eventual
VICTORS.
For this DICK GETS DICKED on the CHRISTMAS CARD? I've been victimized in
the past by shoddy editing and cheap shots by the resident FRANCOPHOBE (you know
who your are you JIB-JABBING numb skull), but this was clearly the type of
political bullshit that makes Jim McGreevy's marriage look wholesome in
comparison.
Jib-Jabbing Numb Skull
In conclusion,
though I have been away, I'm back and back to stay. Best regards to all who have
longed to breathe the fresh air of responsible journalism and who FINALLY have
something to sink their teeth into.
Sincerely,
Outraged in PAOLI
Dick
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