Doogie, as an astute observer of life, continues to see homo-leanings in his fellow man. In an attempt to steer you away from ending up on all fours while doing a courtesy reach around, I provide the following safety tips. Bathroom etiquette is particularly touched upon. If you already have an ointment-buddy don’t waste your time and mine. Use the table below to arrive at your Backdoor Score.  As always be honest or you are only hurting yourself.

1. Your handwriting is legible.  2 points

2. You have shared an umbrella with another man.  2 points

3. You were in a fraternity in college. Sigma Pi was and still is known as SIGMOID PIE, a favorite fare of gay Greeks.   3 points

4. You use chopsticks when eating Chinese Food (dog or cat).  2 points

5. Your favorite Elvis song is Jailhouse Rock.  2 points.

6. You have a ‘Proud Parent of a Honor Student Sticker’.  2 points

7. You prefer cats to dogs (as pets, not on column A at the Peking Wok).  2 point

8. You buy a birthday present for another man.  2 points

9. You tell a man that his zipper is down.  2 points

10. You look anywhere but straight ahead while using a urinal.  3 points

11. You trim your nose hairs instead of ripping them out with a pliers like a real man.  2 points

12. You use the term "to die for" or the term "that sounds like a plan".  2 points

13. You think that any girl is too young to wear a bikini.  2 points

14. You think any woman is too old to give you a blowjob.  2 points

15. You talk to a man in a bathroom.  2 points

16. Your friend sings along with a song in a car and you join him.  2 points

17. You enjoy any lettuce except iceberg.  2 points

18. You eat “White Pizza”.  2 points

19. You comment on a another man’s hair-do.  2 points

20. You support P.E.T.A. in any way.  2 points