Dear Webmaster Zip:

I received your most recent mailings and finally got an opportunity to visit the site.  I read the latest from Macos and the Doogster or should I say Dr. Freaking Demento.

Dr. Freaking Demento

I'll start by stating that I grudgingly must compliment the Doc on his two most recent missives.  Though the messages were replete with the usual sophomoric drivel, the writing was quite good.  Actually, I was enjoying a few laughs at Booze's expense (after all, I am a Hog)

Laughing Stock

when, sadly, the Doc's gyroscope once again began to behave erratically and zoom off into his now familiar and repetitive Franco-phobic danse macabre.  I can handle the homophobia replete in the message, however, the Doc descended into his usual below the belt tactics (an area of the anatomy he seems strangely drawn to), and I feel a more thorough examination of his motives must be initiated.

Usually Below The Belt

Actually, I must admit it was clever of him to feint with his right with his vicious attack on Booze, Areno and Eggy and then follow that up with the left cross to the French.

Viciously Attacked

I thought the last exchange would warn him away from these personal strafings, but I see the gauntlet has been tossed and what can I do but deliver a reasoned retort to his incessant rant.

First of all, let me say that I was totally unsurprised by the Doc's taking the low road as far as Booze's life-threatening wire walk was concerned.  I mean what else could be expected from a guy who's medical school courses most likely included "Bleeding Yourself to Good Health" and "The Leech" a forgotten art.

The Leech
Doogie's Specialty

Based on what I saw subsequent to the Myrtle Beach article, there was probably a series of senior year seminars on Leeching, the last being "How to Attach Your Wallet To The U.S. Government And Never Let Go".

Government Leeching By Doogie

I have heard that in Bucks County old Danno has earned the moniker, the Dr. of Dark Places.  In fact, given the southbound direction his narrative took, I would say the Doc must have been giving himself a prostate exam when he whacked out his blustery Myrtle Beach commentary.  Be that as it may, I guess the real lesson learned here is, to paraphrase the French, let sleeping Doogies lie.  It appears that my oblique reference about seeking medical advice for Booze, regardless of how flawed, awakened His Royal Whackoship.

Royal Whacko

I was really at a loss to explain this personal attack on the overwhelmingly heterosexual French and the incredibly studliness of me until I read his retort to Macos' manifesto (more on that later).

French Studs

In that response, he notes that he does not drive a gas guzzling SUV but rather a Volvo.  I began examining this pointed comment when WHAM, the lights came on.  I believe Dr. Dan may be experiencing a serious crisis of sexuality, something we French know nothing about, but are more than willing to comment on.   You might be wondering where this going, so let me get straight to the point.  Where are Volvos manufactured?  Answer, Sweden. Besides Blondes, Porno and Volvo's, what is Sweden noted for.  That's right, Sex Change.

Home of the Sex Change

I once looked into purchasing a new Volvo and found that those babies come with a hidden warranty for the Transsexual Alternator.  This, I later determined, is Swiss for a complimentary Sex Change within the first 50,000 miles.

Transsexual Doogie

With this information in hand, Doogie's attacks all make sense now.  How can a guy whose deepest yearning is to have breasts that would dwarf Bethanne's, possibly tolerate guys who don't.

Yearns For Breasts

How can a guy for whom the very act of Auto Ownership is a cry to experience his "feminine side" suffer a race, like the French, who far prefer a bottle of Red and lusty intercourse in a variety of positions with a natural, not a transsexual, woman.  

Though I doubt very much this will end the insanity, it at least explains it.
 

Sincerely,

Dick (never been to Sweden and never want to go) DeCoux
 

PS: My apologies to Bethanne.

Innocent Bystander

I realize she is an innocent bystander in all of this and it was only a boorish reference to her breasts in another of Dan's, or should I say Danielle's, mailings that caused me to bring her into the fray. Sorry Bethanne, but when art and argument collide sometimes the innocent suffer.

Danielle