Doogie Quits Hog Rock – Jumps to JibJab

Aug. 10, 2004

LIBERTYVILLE, IL -- It looks like Google isn’t the only high tech company having trouble launching an IPO.  Hog Rock Productions was dealt a stunning blow when star columnist Doogie announced that he was jumping to JibJab.com.  Hog Rock Café’s Webmaster Zip was devastated with the news which broke only days after the Hog Rock IPO announcement.

Devastated Webmaster

“I finally get Macos off his dead ass after a year and a half, and now I lose Doogie.  It all goes back to the Macos-Doogie feud.  They just refuse to coexist.  It’s my fault, however, for not giving Doogie the credit he deserves. I apologize to the many fans who look forward to Doogie’s Latest.  I will do my utmost to get Doogie back into the fold.”  JibJab officials had no comment.  Mr. Zip released the text of Doogie’s resignation letter which follows below.  Stay tuned to this ongoing story.

Dear Cain,

Imagine my horror when I read the latest Hog Rock IPO piece. The recent success of the website was chronicled and credit was given to the people who made it all possible. I kept reading but there was little mention of the Hog Rock meal ticket, Doogie. My self-esteem plummeted faster than Conner Clapton.

Conner Clapton
Prior to Plummeting

Is it hideous oversight, a cruel hoax, or as I suspect, something more sinister? A Macosian scheme is afoot. This piece has all the earmarks of the PECO Anti-Christ.

PECO Anti-Christ

It is poorly written and rife with toity humor, including dead-nun fecal jokes. Is the Withered One trying to push Doogie out so that his ludicrous prose appears less trite? After all, in the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king. Nothing would surprise me from this man who has brought more misery on the Human Race than anyone in history, save Hitler, Stalin and Barry Manilow.

Macos + Manilow = Misery

There is another atrocity here Mr. “Visionary Editor”. I am your brother and oldest friend. You should have stopped this outrage. Is not blood thicker than hash oil?

Visionary Editor?

Need I remind you that since October 2003, I have created EIGHTEEN pieces free of charge for “our” Website? Classics that addressed Presidents that weren’t elected, losers who actually won, Popes, several Kennedys, Bugs and Elmer, The Gipper, Jesus, Steroid abusing Hogs, Macos’ related disasters, and every man’s fear of turning homo. These memorable pieces have touched millions yet somehow they were not worth mentioning.

Do you not see that without Doogie your website is a provincial frat-boy page? With Doogie you can change the world.

I deeply regret that I must resign to take a position at JibJab.com where I will be appreciated. Like Joe Paterno and Mike Krzyzewski, I have turned down many offers in the past out of what now seems like misplaced loyalty.

I'm sure that I can be replaced by the likes of Dick and Booze.  Dick's pieces flow about as well as the blood through his coronaries.

No Flow?

No doubt that Booze’s Top Tens which will entertain folks for years to come. On that topic, some farewell advice: Let me give you the top ten reasons why you should not publish Booze’s Top Tens.
Reasons 1-10: He Sucks!

He Sucks!

That is all
Farewell my readers
Abel