Hog Rock Offers Doogie New Contract

Dear Abel,

My heart felt like Denny Anzio’s when I read your resignation letter.

  
Broken Hearts

Clearly, my editorial lapse on the Hog Rock IPO piece doesn’t justify this treasonous move to an arch rival.

Hog Rock Arch Rival

Surely the JibJab creative environment will be no match to your dream job at Hog Rock where you enjoy no censorship, no deadlines and no pay.

Has Dream Job

Hog Rock held a staff meeting today regarding your abrupt jump to competition.  To be blunt, there was no great desire for your return.  Your unkind words cut our staff deeply.  Booze’s Titan Frame was wound tight about your brutal review of his artfully-crafted Top Ten Lists.

Titan Frame Tight

Dick’s coronaries were strained to the max by your insults to both his health and writing ability.

Strained Coronaries

And Barry Manilow was none too happy either.

Pissed Off

Macos’ comment summed it up for the group, “Don’t let the door hit him in the ass”.

Fuck Doogie!

Despite the wishes of my entire staff, I feel you deserve a new contract because of your remarkable year for Hog Rock Café.  Therefore, I have sent a new, one-year contract offer for your consideration which doubles both your current salary and your current vacation.

More importantly, you are indeed my oldest friend and Hog Rock wouldn’t be the same without you.  Even if you quit Hog Rock, and even though you didn’t do shit to save Mom, I will always love you, my brother.  I must correct you on one point, however.  Hash oil is thicker than blood.

Thicker Than Blood

Sincerely,

Cain