LETTERS FROM
DOOGIE
(Edited for the web)
Subj: Another Step Deeper
Date: 6/27/00 3:07:57 PM Central Daylight Time
From: sompa621@ComCAT.COM (Dan Sommers)
To: MacFarlandD@aol.com (Macos)
Macos,
I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for allowing me to attend that festival on Saturday. Your shameless pandering in the follow-up message, however has given me pause. The message of gratitude to the long suffering Sally would seem too little too late. What a disparate pair you two make! Sally with her sparkling eyes, lovely face and engaging personality. No fun bags to speak of, but clearly a fine turd cutter. Macos, eyes lifeless from years of ethanol and cannabis, hair the color of Aunt Rhodi's goose, muscle tone that of a beached Manatee. Does she see inner goodness? Given your record of exploitation and rapine of your fellow man it must be something else. "Who cares" you say as any good Republican would, it’s kiss the ladies, shake hands with the fellows and you are open for business like a cheap bordello. This of course brings me to the guests at the party. Not a person of color there, save Flea and Eggie. One bloated beer swilling fat cat after another packed together like cords of decadent Conservative wood. More than one guest could be seen searching for scissors to cut eye holes in the pillow cases. Millionaires like Sly with their steely grins and sticky fingers. Psychopaths like Stopper begging for bits of the putrid purloined pie. My older brother, once a source of family pride, now spouting one reactionary shibboleth after another. Where were the Blacks, the Hispanics, the yellow men, the Native Americans? Where were the recent immigrants who have always added the wonderful diversity that has made this country a polyglot paradise? Forget about them you say, let them continue to drive our cabs and kick our extra points. Lastly, where were those less acceptable members of your family, the thief, the Haines grazer and the diapered dowager? We hide what we can not face. Again, thanks for the party.
Respectfully,
Doogie
As
the accolades continue to mount and the joy of the evening begins to set in, it
would normally be a time for basking in the glow of an event that will not be
witnessed again for some time. All found The Hog Rock Experience everything they
had hoped for and more. All,
save one. Sadly, for all the
joy and fellowship that was experienced at this truly grand opening, one
demented little turd muncher spent the entire evening offering crude and
tasteless comments about the size and shape of various Hog’s spouses
posteriors, or as he refers to them as: “Turd Cutters”.
This pathetic, double-boarded, self-proclaimed healer (who shall go
unnamed) is one of those sniveling little dung beetles who has crossed my path
before. I must occasionally take
time to squish him. My only real
concern is wiping the crap off my shoe. I
can only offer my readership a stern warning.
If you are ever in a horrible car accident in Doylestown, PA, you are
better off bleeding to death than suffering at the hands of the Dr. Mengele protégé who works in the Granview emergency
room. Let it be noted that taking
the high road when dealing with the cretins in our world is the price we must
sometimes pay to maintain a modicum of decency in our society.
Editor
& Chief Executive Macos
Subj: Macos You Dick
Date: 7/18/00 8:07:09 AM Central Daylight Time
From: sompa621@ComCAT.COM (Dan Sommers)
To: MacFarlandD@aol.com (Macos)
Macos,
I will further ponder your idiotic babbling, but I need to set the record straight. I, in no say, disparaged your lovely wife (except for that fun bag thing). "Fine turd cutter" is a good thing, and I am not responsible for your unfamiliarity with medical terms. She is clearly a babe, and her tolerance of you astounds me. I commented on no other hog's spouse's posteriors and I demand a retraction!
As to the high road of which you speak, your questioning of my unquestionable medical skills would suggest otherwise. I would never impugn your professional abilities. I am sure you can change light bulbs as well as the next fellow.
That is all
Doogie