Subj:    Doogie’s Back With a Vengeance

Date:    11/5/01 10:03:09 PM

From:   sompa621@ComCAT.COM (Doogie)

To:       MacFarlandD@aol.com (Macos), TomSommers@aol.com (Tom)

Dear Webmaster,

What follows is a recent correspondence I received from one David McFarland.

Doogie Worshiper

Dear Mr. Doogie Sir,

Let me again state what a honor it is that you have written your astonishing comedy for our humble website. I am aware of your position that wacky high jinks at this time are inappropriate in view of the horrors of September 11th. I respect this, but I need you to reconsider. I attempt to ghost write Quacks Corner for you but it is a bit like Steve Jeltz pinch hitting for Babe Ruth. My puerile comments on farting and other potty humor must make you wince.

Is your silence not giving in to the terrorists?
Is it not just what Bin Laden had in mind?

Respectfully and worshipingly yours,

Macos

Astonishingly, he has a point for the first time I can remember. Below are similar entreaties from various admirers of my colossal wit.

George W. Bush:

Dear Doogie, The country is in desperate need of your comedy to relieve the rampart pessimism.

The Country Needs Doogie

Rabbi Fred Neulander:

Dear Doogie, I was so bored without your comedy that I had my wife bludgeoned to death so I could run off with that radio bitch. I paid good money for that "Bob Craning"!

Bored to Death Without Doogie

Byung-Hyun Kim: 

Dear Doogie, When you stopped writing I lost my concentration. Now the only thing I will ever close is a dry cleaning store.

New Closer For Dry Cleaner
Because of Doogie

Andy Pettitte:

Dear Doogie, When you stopped writing I lost my concentration. The Diamondbacks rocked me harder than the Trade Towers.

Rocked Harder Than Trade Towers
Because of Doogie

Al Gore: 

Dear Doogie, After I lost to that half-wit cowpoke your comedy was the crutch I needed. You stopped writing and all I do is eat, eat, eat. My ass is now bigger than Oprah's and my tits dwarf Tipper's. Help me!

Has Bigger Tits Than Tipper Because of Doogie

Chandra Levi: 

Dear Doogie, If you start writing again I will come out of hiding.

Waiting For Doogie

Gary Condit:

Dear Doogie, If you start writing I will tell you where I buried Chandra Levi.

Will Confess For Doogie

Steve Areno Centrella:

Dear Doogie, Please resume your writing because Hog Rock without you is like a world devoid of sigmoid.

Areno Needs Doogie

Sally McFarland: 

Dear Doogie, David is lost without you. You are like the father he never had and I think he is getting gray. Maybe we should tell him the truth about us.

Husband Lost Without Doogie

Bethanne:

Doogie, please resume your brilliant comedy because Hog Rock without you is like my funbags without implants.

Desperate for Doogie

Roy Sommers: 

Dear Doogie, Although Tom has always been an embarrassment to me, you are always a source of overwhelming pride. Now I know how Joseph felt fathering Jesus.

Family Embarrassment

Bill Clinton: 

Dear Doogie, I miss your humor desperately! It fit Hog Rock like a fresh Cuban in a fat intern. I would rather hang out in a cave with that tool Bin Laden than wilt away in Harlem with that ice-dike Hillary.

                                                    
Misses Doogie Desperately                         Fat Intern                                          Ice Dike                   

The above sentiments have given me pause. Perhaps a few words are in order. I have read the surprisingly well-written missive from one Dick Decroux. At first blush there seemed to be some merit to Mr. DeDick's caterwauling. Further inspection, however, reveals the sad truth. Just more whining from a whining Frenchman.

Just Another
Whining Frenchman

The United States bailed these beret-wearing, frog-eating, Einhorn-shielding, Joan of Ark burning, dickweeds out of two World Wars. We gave them 100 billion dollars in the Marshall plan and they still managed to run Euro Disney into the ground. The pussy French ran from the Germans like Tom Daschle runs from Anthrax.

Anthrax Dodger

The only thing they ever gave us was that rusty, steel-titted bitch that straddles New York harbor like a crack whore advertising her wares. She is the only broad in America who has had more men in her than Madonna.

Crack Whore

In fact the term whining Frenchman is redundant; just like gay delicatessen owner, wetback Demiter, vandalistic Fitzer, sado-masochistic Crowly, back-stabbing MacFarland, too-drunk-to-drive Spuds, impotent asshole Schleyer, gifted Sommers, large-breasted female Seufert, mediocre Drexel alumnus, genocidal German, goat-buggering Afghan, and drunk Irishman. It is redundant!

                           
 Baloney Boy           Wetback             Vandal         Sado-Masochist      Back Stabber    

                             
Drunk Driver       Impotent Asshole     The Gifted One         Pectorally Gifted

That is all

Doogie