Dick's Exclusive Report
Dick Bob Rides Again

Well howdy buckaroos or should I say Hawgaroos.  In depth Hog Rock reporter "Dick" is back on the beat and you'll never guess where I spent this past weekend.

Yep, Corpus Christi, Texas. Translated, Corpus Christi means Body of Christ or more precisely Dead Body of Christ as in Corpse.  Which is pretty close to where Attorney Harold Whittington unwittingly ended up after a weekend of swilling long necks and hunting with Vice President Dick Cheney.

 
Nearly a Corpse           Shitty Hunter    

By the look of it this appears to be the biggest news out of Texas since Ol W Bob bumbled his way off the ranch and into the hearts of Right thinkin' folk. It just so happens that this reporter has some Texas relatives who could steer me to a certain bar where it appears the VP hangs on his hunting expeditions. This got me the in I needed to commandeer the Hog Rock Bi-Plane and swoop down South for some first-hand Hog Rock coverage of yet another momentous non-event. While I was unable to meet or speak with anyone in the hunting party, or for that matter, anyone who was within 30 miles of the "accidental shooting", I set up shop at said cocktail lounge, the Pig For A Poke, which is just outside the Armstrong Ranch.

PIG FOR A POKE Cocktail Lounge

The talk around the Poke, as I now fondly refer to it, was that "Dickie Bob" was about the business of trying to bag some quail, or grouse or ptarmigan or pigeons or whatever type of fowl gets hunted in Texas. It ain't all that important. What is important is that the whole story be told and if you can't believe the boys that hang out at the Poke then who can you believe? The goddamn New York Times?  Or worse yet that ne'er-do-well, journalistic wannabe, Dr. Dan?

Journalistic Wannabe

I don't think so. When you want first-hand reportage, and so many of our readers are starved for such, then "Dick" is where you play your hand. (Gives Texas Hold Em, a whole new meaning.)

First-Hand Reporting

The following is a reasonably accurate transcription of this reporters recorded conversations with the denizens of that fabled bar, which by the way bears a remarkable likeness to a certain Stable's of Charleston Pa. fame. During my fifteen hours at the Poke I interviewed numerous fourth and fifth-hand witnesses and here is what they had to say.

Reporter: So Ed Bob, you were here at the Poke when Vice President Cheney stopped by just prior to his hunt?

Cheney Hangout

Ed Bob: "Vice President?!! We jus call em ol Dickie Bob around these parts.  Yessir, ol Dickie Bob and a gaggle of them Secret Service types was in here snarfin' down some Lone Star an Cuervo.  After about four or five ol Dickie says 'Boys I got some quail or partridge or grouse or ptarmigan or some goddamn thing or other I gotta go hunt. Let's git the Escalade cavalcade in gear an get a move on.' 

Reporter: Were those his precise words?

Ed Bob: "Purty close."

Reporter: So Joe Bob, did you witness pretty much the same thing?

Joe Bob: "Yep."

Reporter: Linda Bird Bob, when did you first get wind of the alleged accident?

Linda Bird Bob:  "I was settin' up for the usual Sadderdee night drink, dance, fight and puke hoedown when em air Escalades all pull up. Dickie Bob, lookin' paler n Madonna after a week of readin' her own children's books, comes in.

Pale as you can get

He was lookin' low. Lower n John Kerry after a week of listenin' to that harpy wife of his complain about the crap food she was forced to eat during their bust of a campaign.

Low as you can get

Anyhow, Dickie orders ten cups uh black coffee, drinks em, pees up a storm an then begins makin' calls on his cell phone."

Reporter: Linda Bird Bob, what were the secret service guys doing during this time?

Linda Bird Bob:  "You mean besides pinchin' my ass, suckin' down free beer an makin' sure no one could speak with Dickie Bob?  Not a goddamn thing."

Reporter: Fred Bob (bartender), Did the Vice... I mean did Dickie Bob say anything at all about an accident?

Fred Bob:  "Naw, not right away. He just sat for a while shakin' his head and mumblin' stuff like 'That goddamn senile ol bastard, he don't do shit all day and then when I finally get a clean shot he gets all pouty about my takin' his bird.  I can't believe it.  He takes a crap behind a bush and then jumps up and starts spoutin' all kind of legal mumbo-jumbo at me. He damn well deserved what he got.'

Got What He Deserved

Reporter: Fred Bob, are you sure about this?

Fred Bob: "Purty much."

Reporter: Ms. Ellie Mae Bob, did you overhear anything of interest?

Ellie Mae Bob: I overheard lots of interest but its gonna cost you to tear it outta me.

Two shots of Creme De Menthe later.....

Reporter: Well?

Ellie Mae Bob: "So ole Dickie Bob he's a settin' an thinkin' an his cell rings an he answers it an sez, 'Yes W, what's up now?  What!!!?  The NSA was
monitoring my phone and they heard what?  Those fuckers, don't gimme that bullshit about this being for my own protection.  Well yeah, I am in kind of a pickle down here.  Shot a lawyer.  Sure that's usually not a bad thing but this guy has friends. Does the name DeLay ring any bells? I know ol Tom Bob doesn't have the sway he used to have but he still has a shit load of unaccounted for cash hanging around and we can't quite pick that pocket yet can we?

Still Has Cash

Well yeah, I have a thought on how we can steer this thing to our advantage.  The hunting trip took place in Kenedy County, and alcohol may have been a factor. You see where I'm heading with this?

Well let me explain. The spelling of Kenedy County is only one n away from Kennedy, as in the Tedmeister. Given that drinking MAY have been a factor in this tragic accident I don't believe it would be a huge leap for us to lay this whole thing off on the left wing liberal establishment. We just need to get some gullible Fox reporter to interview me, and then at every opportunity I keep referencing Kennedy.

Gullible Fox Reporter

Even though it's Kenedy County I'm referencing, how long do you think it will take before I'm not the one with the gun?  You bet, five minutes into the interview we've got Mr. Red Nose firing bird shot into a loyal supporter of the RIGHT THINKING folk?

Mr. Red Nose

Before you know it, old foot-in-the-mouth Howard Dean is sputtering and stammering, Harry Reid is beating his hollow little chest, Kerry goes catatonic and we just set back an watch 'em all back pedal.

          
Foot in Mouth            Hollow Chest                  Catatonic        

You know we can use the whole Armstrong Ranch setting to our advantage. How?  Why we throw in a snappy quote like "One small step for liberal drunkards, one giant leap for their Al Qaeda allies."

Liberal Drunkard

Yeah, we might need the White House press corps to work on that one, but I think you get my drift.  So look, now that we got it all doped out, you just drink the rest of your warm milk and toddle on back to bed. I'm sure Laura's looking for you."

Reporter: Miss Ellie Mae Bob, are you certain those were his words? 

Ellie Mae Bob: "Pert near."

Reporter: That's good enough for me.

So Hogdom, there you have it. Top notch reporting that gets the real story into your hands. So, for now let me just say good night and good luck.

     Dick