Dear Webmaster Zip:

There are thousands of reasons for any sane person not to read the many sophomoric missives that find their way into the Hog Rock website. I suppose the fact that I overlooked the first two Manly Measure Challenges by our own Medical Malpracticer had a great deal to do with my being able to avoid like the plague a visit to the Cafe.

Medical Malpracticer

However, with the recent publication of my own extraordinary and highly motivational life experience, Dick Has Arisen, I had occasion to stumble across the sophomoric drivel that, like some recurring pestilence, finds its way to the Cafe. I speak of course of Dr. D's most recent hysterical "Backdoor" epistles.

It was fine with me that personages such as Areno and Macos and organizations such as the Boy Scouts of America were besmirched. However, once I noticed that the French and far closer to home, Dicks in general, were thrown into the slander salad, I felt it time to reply.

Slander Salad

As all of the Hog's know, I detest having to lower myself into the slime of the pig pen. But a Hog's gotta do what a Hog's gotta do.

After thinking about this for about 3 minutes, the time it takes most emergency room physicians to find their dicks, I have decided to provided a somewhat abbreviated test, more of a sexuality quiz, if you will.

Dick's Is Sex Scary Quiz

Do you have problems with your sexuality or for that matter with human contact in general? The following quiz may assist in answering this.

1. Have you ever named your son Troy, Lance, Muggsy or Ryan?

2. Have you frequently (or ever) held another mans dick and asked him to cough for you and then giggled?

3. Have you owned more than one Beamer in your life?

4. Have you never been to a Hogs Open?

5. Do you not know that people don't unusually name their sons Dick but instead name them Richard, and that only a person with no sexual hang-ups could live with and indeed relish the nickname Dick?

6. Did you know that the French invented heterosexuality and were so comfortable with it that homosexuality is not something they wrestle with or agonize over. It would never have occurred to a Frenchman to devote not one, not two, but three major articles, not to mention countless additional references to homosexuality in the Hog Rock Chronicle?

If you answered yes to any of the first four questions or no to either of the last two, then you are suffering from a severe case of Hogxual dysfunctionalization.

Hogxual Dysfunctionalization Victim?

I can only hope and pray that the Supreme Being, whoever that Frenchman is, can somehow transmit to you the healing powers that will restore you to a healthier outlook or will at least get you comfortable with the slow deterioration of your baby-fatted body and the apparent light speed deterioration of your alleged mind.

Sincerely,

DICK and Proud Of It!