Dear Webmaster,

 

First allow me to say that I am a huge fan of Hogrock Café. Why if Cheney hadn’t talked me into this presidentin thing I would still be a drunkin frat boy just like all you fellas.

 

Fucked Up My Life

 

Doogie ain’t no conservative like that bloated toad Teddy Kennedy would suggest. Conservative My Ass!  As usual, Teddy Kennedy doesn't have a clue.  I hate Teddy Kennedy!

 

Bloated Toad

 

I realize he has had a lot of heartache with his father being assassinated in Dallas and his son dying in that plane crash off Long Island.

 

Teddy's Dead Father & Dead Son

 

That aside I hate his liberal whining and his Connecticut accent. The only Democrat I could ever identify with was Billy Carter.

 

Only Good Democrat

 

I should note here that presidentin does have its advantages such as free family use of Camp David and the Betty Ford Clinic.

 

Presidential Perk

 

The liberals love to suggest that I am a bad man. Let us review. I am a devoted husband and the father of twin girls. I attend Church every Sunday and regular meetings of both A.A. and the D.F.W. (Dodgers of Foreign Wars). The girls do love their suds but Jeb’s girl can drink them under the table every time.

 

          
  Love Their Suds                 True Party Animal

 

All I can say is they sure look better than that little scag Chelsea Clinton.

 

Little Scag

 

No surprise here, just look at the mothers. I wouldn’t do Hillary with Rumsfeld’s dick.

 

Undoable

 

Laura is a different story. Look at the first rack! Now these are some weapons of mass destruction that the entire nation can be proud of!

 

The First Rack

 

Liberals like Doogie would scoff at my family values and faith based initiatives. I say same sex marriages are an abomination before the Lord. The holy union between a man and a woman has been ordained by God All Mighty and has obvious advantages. You can have children and they hopefully will drink less than my twins. There is no need for expensive lubricants. Your orgasms will be much more intense when free of fear from a vengeful God.

 

I also won that election fair and square. Gore may have got more votes but my red states sure looked bigger than his blue states on that TV.

 

Red States Rule

 

As for Florida, you didn’t expect us to let all the Negroes vote, did you? As for those stupid butterfly ballots, it’s not my fault that those old Jews can't see past their noses. Speaking of Negroes, I do admit I shouldn’t have traded Sammy Sosa who's a good Negro.

 

A Good Negro

 

I am also sick and tired of those hippie liberals bitching about the environment. Dean should stick to making breakfast sausage.

 

Sausage Maker

 

The quality of air and water ain’t important as long as there is plenty of it. We need that Arctic oil and the hell with the reindeer. It's time Santa got an SUV anyway.  There is enough oil there to fuel Air Force One for a whole month for crying out loud. The liberals never address the beneficial effects of oil spills. The oil increases the viscosity of the wildlife and renders the little fellas more cold resistant. Think of a race of super otters bobbing in the brown bubbly surf!

 

Bobbing In Brown Bubbles

 

My record on foreign policy is unimpeachable. It pissed me off powerful when Bin Laden flew those planes into the Empire State Building. You would think it would be easy to find a 6 foot 4 inch donkey rider who needs regular dialysis, but all those Arabs look alike.

 

6' 4" Donkey Rider

 

When the Arctic oil ran out I was forced to attack Saddam in Iran and remove our oil from his sand. Now things over there are getting hairier than Anita Hill’s coke can.

 

Hairy Coke Can

 

I need to square this with the people who elected me to this great office - the Halliburton shareholders. I hope the details of this war never get out. Like the faces of the Iraqi women, some things are best left uncovered.

 

Best Left Uncovered

 

In summation, to those traditional enemies of America: Germany, France, Russia, Africa, Canada, Asia, Scandinavia, Iceland, the Far East, the Middle East, the Near East, the South East, the Lesser Antilles, Indonesia, India, California, Latin America, Cyprus, Crete, Mexico, Massachusetts, Middle America, and the Azores, I say Bite Me. To are remaining allies: Great Britain and American Samoa I say, Do What I Tell You.

 
 

Sincerely,

 

George W. Bush