Doogie's Exclusive New Orleans Report
Big Easy Come, Big Easy Go

The World and Doogie are both horrified by the unspeakable tragedy that befell the Crescent City. Why, it is sadder than a fat chick with small tits.

Almost as Sad as New Orleans

Some of Doogie’s regular contributors have spoken to me about the apocalyptic disaster. I feel I should share these with my audience.

George W. Bush

Even though there ain’t as many electoral votes in these states as Florida, I hate like hell to see them swamped. Hell of a storm too! Why it was windier than the inside of Jim Brady’s head.

Windy Head

No way it’s my fault though. The Frenchies build a big-assed city below sea level between a big-assed river and a big-assed lake. They put up a bunch of old flimsy levies that ain’t no more absorbent than three-day-old tampons, and then they want MY help! Typical Frogs: the shit hits the fan, they surrender at the drop of a hat and blame it on America.

Typical Frogs

I’m busy! I gotta save Uncle Dick’s oil which cost at least 100 billion. I gotta guard against boys kissin' boys, girls kissin' girls, stem cells savin' people, pullin' the plug on waterheads and people sayin' we evolved from monkeys. I better not take any flack from that dipsomaniacal Hibernian lard ass Ted Kennedy either. There is no way he is diving into any water to save a drowning victim.

Dipsomaniacal Hibernian Lard Ass

The blame should go to the state and city governments. They had a slew of busses just waiting but they never boarded them. The blacks wouldn’t have even had to go to the back. I bet that troublemaker Rosa Parks would have found a seat this time.

Troublemaker

It also proves the so-called old wives tale that blacks are bad swimmers. I was surprised that fat people don’t float. Not for a couple of days anyway.

It was biblical retribution if you ask me. Drinkin', drugs, bare titties for beads, gays, lesbians, gambling, prostitution, The Saints, Al Hirt, Democrats and Harry Connick Junior. Like Sodom and Gomorrah, the Lord got pissed and drowned the bastards.

Pissed Off the Lord

What I really can’t believe is that people expected me to visit the Superdome. Ten feet of standing water and hundreds of backed-up toilets. That’s right, thousands of gumbo-laden stink pickles bobbing in the luxury boxes. I’ll be right there folks!

Gumbo-laden Stink Pickle

I was, however, willing to visit some of the city’s ravaged neighborhoods. The streets were flooded and the trees were snapped like twigs. The yards I saw were muddier than my Iraq strategy, and had more stumps in them than Paul McCartney’s bed.

Stump in McCartney's Bed

Nancy Reagan

To be honest Doogie, I just don’t give a damn. I am tired of politics and always have been. I was happy being an actor's wife and would have been content spending my days gulping gobs of Gipper-Goo.

The Gipper

Ronnie drags me to the wackiest place in the nation, California. Bad actors turning governor, earthquakes, hippies, Charles Manson, the Hillside Strangler, Barbara Boxer, Nancy Pelosi, Scott Peterson, the Watts riots, sin city Los Angeles and the City by the Bomb Bays, gay San Francisco.

Wackiest Place in the Nation

Where else can O.J., Michael Jackson and Robert Blake be acquitted? Robert Blake, whose alibi was,” I was going to the car to get my gun.

Solid Alibi

I was asked to advise the Bush administration but he has more nuts on his staff than Michael Jackson’s chin.

Jesse Jackson

Why do these hurricanes always hit black cities? Why New Orleans and not Omaha, why Miami and not Palm Springs? There are three reasons, racism, racism and racism. Ain’t one hurricane yet hit Hymie-Town, which at least has some white people.

Hurricane Free

They are all named after white dudes and white broads. We have yet to see Hurricane Chamika or Hurricane Darius.

What we need now are reparations. Reparations for New Orleans, slavery, sickle cell disease, low wages. Reparations for dead black men such as Otis Redding, Malcolm X, Medgar Evers, James Chaney, Sam Cooke and Jesus.

Dead Black Men

Reparations for James Taylor’s version of Marvin Gaye’s, “How Sweet It Is".

Crime Against Mankind

We need reparations for the persecution of Bill Cosby, Marion Berry, Michael Jackson, O.J. Simpson, and Wilson Good.

Persecuted Blacks

Hell, while you are at it help me pay for all these damn paternity suits.

Michael Brown
Former F.E.M.A. Director

New Orleans, hell I have had a lot of work around the house but it's on my “To Do List”.

Bill Clinton

When I heard a disaster befell the Big Easy I thought something happened to Monica Lewinski! I was afraid she acquired the lung vaginal cancer. The Big Easy was one of my pet names for her. She was real big and ooooweee was she easy. Give her a couple of bacon cheeseburgers and she would play tonsil hockey with Wee Willy the Purple-Headed Yogurt Thruster all afternoon.

The Big Easy

Hell, now I gotta go play Red Cross Boy with that old bastard Bush Senior. He does have a better ass than Hillary though.

Better Ass Than Hillary