 Subj: |
Backdoor Manly Minus |
| Date: | 5/26/2004 8:59:27 AM |
| From: | dansommers@comcast.net |
| To: | TomSommers@aol.com |
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Dear Webmaster
The wildly popular Backdoor Score has swept the country, prompting fans the world over to ask me the same question. Doogie, should we not be allowed to deduct points from our score for certain heterosexual testosterone-laden acts? A tricky thing this: If I set this precedent where does it stop. After much lucubration I have decided to allow deductions for these and only these acts. Yes, you can claim a Manly Minus for any of the following:
1. The world was horrified when Andrea Yates drowned her three young children in the bathtub. Your concern was, however, if her nipples looked hot in that wet T-shirt. Take a Manly Minus.
Hot Nipples?
2. Pert TV hostess, Katie Couric, allowed her colonoscopy to be done on national TV in an altruistic public health gesture. Instead of admiring the little pixie’s pluck you could only wonder if she "took it in the mud”. Take a Manly Minus.
Takes It in the Mud?
3. You and the missus attend a parent-teacher conference with your child's kindergarten teacher. Your wife beams as the young educator gushes about your spawn. You, however, ponder only if she is wearing underwear. Take a Manly Minus.
4. Your friends marvel at how the Olsen Twins have grown into lovely young women. You fantasize that they are fully shaved. Take a Manly Minus.
Pubeless?
5. Your teenaged daughter accidentally stumbles upon you with your morning wood in full bloom. Horrified, she runs to her room. You, however, spend the rest of the day hoping she was impressed. Sick you say, Doogie understands! Take two Manly Minuses. Note, however, if the same happens with your son you must add two Backdoor Points.
6. The site of your hideous mother-in-law with out her dentures stiffens you. Take a Manly Minus.
7. Gay people adore their partners, therefore: While other men wish to see their wife’s picture in Playboy, you would prefer to see yours on a milk carton. Take a Manly Minus.
8. Your daughter informs you that she is a lesbian. You wife is horrified and worried about the prejudice she will endure. You think it is hot and retire to the bathroom. Take a Manly Minus.
Turned on by Lesbian Daughter?
9. When your wife coos that she loves you, you want to fake your own death. Take a Manly Minus.
10. The world marvels over the brilliance of Condoleezza Rice. You wonder if her prominent teeth would interfere with her acquisition of throat yogurt. Take a Manly Minus.
Throat Yogurt Acquisition Specialist?
Add them up boys, and remember no exceptions.
Now Recalculate Your Backdoor Score
