Backdoor Bacchanal

The Hog's recently-completed Backdoor Bacchanal has given me pause. It would have been more appropriate to drop the golfing cover and take the merry band of Backdoor Barneys to the Toni Awards. It is not my purpose, however, to "out" the hogs but rather to issue a grave warning concerning their reckless behavior.

Reckless Backdoor Barneys

I would never judge, but I do not understand the gay lifestyle. Rather than part the glistening meat curtains of any number of Keystone lovelies, the boys would rather waddle off to Dixie to plunge their "Little Hogs" into Satan's Onion Ring. Better to enter the gates of hell than Cupid's Quiver. The logic escapes me.

Curtain Keepers

The choice could be a fatal one! I warned you to avoid Booze's festering man sauce. You scoff and say that HIV has a low infectivity rate and it won't happen to me. You, Mr. Hog, have forgotten the Scourge of God. Each and every hog who went on that golf "outing" must ask himself one question: Is there Hep C in Booze's #3?

Hep C in Booze's #3?

Here, fellows, is a virus that you will surely contract and will make your liver quiver. It will be on you like a priest on an altar boy, like Andrea Yates on a bathing toddler, like Rush Limbaugh on OxyContin.

Things That Make Your Liver Quiver

The reader may say, Doogie, how much virus could possibly issue forth from the withered cheezoid orbs of an aging libertine addled by years of alcohol, cannabis and Frito Lay? How much peril truly lies in the rancid ooze of Booze?

Rancid Ooze of Booze

The truth is one drop could kill millions. Those of you who dallied with his one-eyed nine iron will rue the day!

Lastly, a word on the gratuitous criticism leveled at Doogie by one, "Stretch".

Gratuitous Critic

It is true that Booze may still be a dead ringer for Kate Smith, but be patient.

Is It Booze or Kate Smith?

HIV has a ten year incubation period before it begins to truly dissolve it's luckless host. Let us recall that legendary turd herder of yore, Rock - give me cock - Hudson. He carried the virus for years with no effect on his strapping frame and perfect face. Seemingly overnight his handsome visage was converted into that of Senator Joseph Lieberman.

Legendary Turd Herder

The fat cells are the last to go and Booze has more than Ethiopia.

More Fat Cells Than Ethiopia

Be patient, be aware and be very afraid.