Dick

Asshole Extraordinaire Macos        

Dear Webmaster Zip:

As some of the Myrtle Beach contingency found out yesterday, I once again made the mistake of visiting the Hog Rock web site. Doing so I stumbled across Macos’ supposedly humorous jibe, titled Let's Lose a Few Assholes. While some might have gotten a chuckle to two out of the characterizations, you must know by now that Dick is one proud Franco who does not believe in turning the other cheek, especially when in the same room as a former alter boy and suspected Craig's List predator like Macos.

I know that Macos' article was originally an e-mail sent in February which makes this retort long overdue. In my defense, I’m retired now and due to my heavy schedule of watching Hogan's Heroes re-runs and replying to the many job offers I have been getting from Publishers Clearing House, I just did not have time to respond to all the detritus that sullies my on-line mail box.

In any event, my trip to the Cafe was the slap in the face I needed. Without further adieu I would like to reply to Macos’ sad cry to be the center of attention. I can only imagine that he had California Dreamin' on loop mode the entire time he composed his ridiculous tome.

First of all let me say to Pink, I can’t imagine the nightmares you have experienced contemplating what a long (and I mean interminably, seven-circles-of-hell type long) golf weekend with just Macos would be like. I can assure you it would be the Polar opposite of Nirvana. The Dali Lama himself would become suicidal with that thought occasionally interrupting his meditations. I only hope the trauma you experienced has not caused you to give up the game and cancel the MB outing. It is also my prayer that you will be at least partially healed a month from now. Remember Pink, you are not in this alone. And while being surrounded by assholes may be cold comfort, it’s better than being surrounded by Macos, ask any of his employees.

Now lets examine the many fine people that Macos would like to see excluded from his distorted version of paradise:

First up Shane and Dave, the goddamn Canuck and his bald-headed bitch boy. How easy it is to dismiss third-world crazies who have little else but a pack of smokes and a bottle of Screech to call a friend. That Vrobel was willing to sponsor this sad immigrant is more a reflection of an alcohol and drug-addled brain than of some slavering Canadian groupie. Had Dave not spent four years mainlining Yuengling and wandering the quad at Drexel attempting to find his way to class or trying to recall into which pocket he had placed his car keys, I’m sure things would be a lot different for him today. I don’t see that as a reason to toss them into the Myrtle Beach dumpster.

Next, Danny Z. Sure he’s a tree-hugging, alternative-energy goof ball, but that goof ball can really hit a golf ball and he’ll make a hell of a good partner on scramble day if his brain is not too scrambled from listening to those Raffi tapes.

Is Vince's sad drift into sobriety worthy of excluding him from the sun and fun of a Hogger weekend? Who among us has not regretted registering 7.0 on the drunk o’meter and decided that sobriety (albeit for just a week or two) was not a better alternative?

Doodle - the economic impact on MB would be devastating. How many fine young students would be missing tuition payments if Doodle stayed home? I suppose this is just what that commie bastard Macos/Lenin would like to see.

Judge Jimmy! Only a drive-for-show, can’t-win-the-dough wannabe like Macos would deny this Cap’n his one great accomplishment in life. I’m telling Macos that just because his drive, like his dick, doesn't measure up is no reason to hope Jimmy and his 9-degree thunder stick stay home.

Bitty and the Chairman. It’s tough to defend these two. When work begins to interfere with traveling to Myrtle Beach to allow the sun of Hog history to shine, brief though it may be, then its time to examine your priorities. Still, one of the hallmarks of true Hogdom is to relish the opportunity to call an asshole a workaholic pussy to his face. Thus, to exclude these two sad sacks would simply be to deny one's self the opportunity of insulting them continuously for four long days. The conclusion to be reached is that we must question Macos’ standing as a Hog.

McVeigh and McMaster. As a Frenchman and therefore an unquestioned heterosexual, I don’t spend a great deal of time focusing on guy's balls, their toilet habits, or lack thereof. I therefore find it discomfiting that Macos has chosen these two particular reasons to disqualify Tom and John. Calling Dr. Freud!!!!

Me - I need not defend against the many scurrilous attacks made in the pages of the Hog Rock upon my ancestry. I proudly fly the Blue, White and Red alongside the Red White and Blue both on Bastille Day and the Fourth of July. Never fear Pink, I’ll be at Myrtle sipping a fine Bordeaux and smoking a fine Colombian cigar unlike that gin-swilling potato head who wants to lessen the odds that he will lose the scramble round again to this proud descendant of the Sun King.

Kat - I suppose Macos would like to exclude all cripples from the pleasures of the links. This is the kind of blatant prejudice that brought us Buchenwald and Dachau.

 Heil Macos!

Steve Edwards and Dennis - Other than the fact that he probably hits a 5-iron further than Macos hits his driver, what did Steve ever do to the sultan of NOT?  As for Dennis I suppose it’s his incorruptible nature that rankles Mr. McNasty. For years Macos has been trying to bribe his way onto the winning scramble team. Only the strong arm of the Dennis has kept this golfo terrorista from making a mockery of one of the last bastions of clean sports.

Booze - If he has his head up his ass it’s only because he’s looking for one of Macos’ errant (or was it errant?) golf balls. Sure Booze has hydration issues but you don’t just toss a guy off the MB plane in mid-air.

The Webmaster - Why would anyone want to exclude the only guy with a Hog's Head Hat? In and of itself the Hog's Head explains away a wide swath of deviant behavior and is, from this Hogs point of view, a Get-Out-Of-Jail free card.

Areno? I hate to be the one to point out signs of impending Alzheimer's in any of the hogs, but just in case Macos missed it, Areno has not been an attendee at Myrtle Beach since the hay-day of the Coon Pups, that being both Hank and Dale. By my recollection that was back in ott '98 or '99. While Areno may be crotchety I am venturing a guess that he can still remember where he was last week.

Wendell - Since when did being on the cover of High Times disqualify a guy from the Myrtle trip? That would be like disqualifying all of us because we are assholes.

In conclusion Macos, even if you were the Lone Ranger in Myrtle, your team of one would still finish 4th in the scramble.

Signing off,

hog rock star Reporter and Insightful Social Commentator
Dick