Dear Webmaster

I have followed the reports of Booze's midair near-demise on Hog Rock Café. That the man's name is Booze should give the reader some insight into the problem. I have known the big fellow for 30 years and have yet to see him sober.

Never Seen Sober

Perhaps more insight is needed. The beginning of my extensive, world-class medical training took place on the mean streets of Newark, New Jersey. We dealt with many urban outdoorsmen, who frequently passed out in the streets much as Booze did in midair. They would often freeze solid before help arrived. These bagsickles were malnourished, dehydrated and suffering from such medical horrors as tuberculosis, syphilis, and cirrhosis.

Bagsickle

Although Booze is no picture of health, he possesses far superior protoplasm than those unfortunates. There is I fear only one logical explanation. The big fellow has advanced A.I.D.S. Yes, he’s just Another Infected Dick Smoker. This is no controlled malady like that of grinning Afrostud, Magic Johnson.

Grinning Afrostud

This is real flesh-eating, Rock Hudson things-fall-off-you stuff.

Things Fell Off Rock

Fungi, viruses and bacteria are dissolving his former titan frame.

Titan Frame

There are other questions that must be answered. Oh wise one, what is the source of this terrible malady? Strangely repulsed by Cupid’s Quiver, Areno remains unable to budge from the fudge. Perhaps that notorious semen demon spackled a bologna hoagie or two with his retrovirus-laden baby batter.

Unable to Budge
From The Fudge?

It is possible that Latin lothario Nurse Eggy treated himself to some midnight buggery on Booze's buttered bomb bays?

Latin Lothario
Nurse Eggy

Or maybe Macos, who appears to have spent the entire Myrtle Beach trip humping someone.

 
Myrtle Beach Humper Macos

These are possible but my leading suspect is, as always, the French. It’s Gay Paree for a reason and the Hogs are saddled with a bodacious backdoor Barney, Dick DeDick.

Bodacious Backdoor Barney?

It was a clever ruse indeed by Frenchman Mr. DeDick, commenting casually on the tragedy on this very website. Deflecting the blame by lambasting the lard-ass Hogs in his hilarious, laugh-a-minute article. Suggesting concern when all along he was hiding the awful truth. The virus came from the dinky dick of Dick DeDick.

It is too late for Booze whose weight problem is about to come to a screeching halt. He will shrivel up like Holly Maddox in a steamer trunk.

Weight Problem Solved

There is no way of knowing who else is infected. That means no more drunken sailor boy romps in that Hogs Homo Haven, Myrtle Beach. It’s stay sober, sleep on your stomach, guard your balloon knot and hide the butter from now on.  We must avoid at all costs any exposure to Booze's festering man sauce. 

Booze's Festering
Man Sauce

That is all
Doogie